


A Thread Remains

by eruriotica (minxiebutt)



Series: RDA series [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, previous series tags apply, warnings at the beginning of each chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-04-20 16:52:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14265456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minxiebutt/pseuds/eruriotica
Summary: How much has Levi truly changed in two years?





	1. To Convoke

**Author's Note:**

> welcome back! update schedule pending.
> 
> no warnings for the first chapter.

His apartment is on the thirteenth floor of the building, and when he opens his window to let the evening breeze air out the warm room, Babydoll knows not to jump onto the windowsill. She still puts her paws up against it, stretching up to sniff the air in curiosity. There’s a few hours before the midnight candle service at Uri’s church tonight. Levi leans back against his headboard. He unlocks his phone and opens the web browser. Taking a sip from his cup of water, he scrolls through his bookmarks until he gets to the link, and he taps it, waiting patiently for it to load its cherished contents. Since last week, a handful of new pictures have been uploaded, even a short video clip. He watches it a dozen times on loop, letting himself smile, until Babydoll butts her head against the rim of the cup and runs her body down along Levi’s forearm.

 

“Ready to open your present, too?” Levi asks, puts down his phone, and scratches behind her ear. She chirrups at him. “Alright, give me a sec.”

 

He puts his phone down on the bed and gets up to take his cup over to the sink. On the countertop, there sits a paper bag, and he digs his hand in to take out a bundle of mismatching fabric. He takes it over to Babydoll’s climbing tree and sets it on the perch that gets the most sunlight during the day.  “There you go. A fun-sized crazy quilt.”

 

The cat jumps up to inspect his offering, and he leaves her be. He’s got to shower again. He took one when he woke up, but over the course of the day, he’s been sweating out all of yesterday's alcohol, and if he’s expected to sit around Christians tonight, that evidence will be unacceptable. Levi dries his hair thoroughly with the towel and then detangles it. If there’s ever a time he leaves it down, it’s at church, even if it falls around his elbows. He gathers it at his nape, making sure the strands hang down to hide the scar, and then braids it. No one is rude about his missing ear, but he’s not in the mood to give his fake testimony tonight, not when he’s thinking about taking a life.

 

He cleans the litter box, washes his hands before taking the bag to the trash chute, then sets out new food and water. The rest of the tiny studio is clean and orderly. Levi shuts the window, grabs his phone, wallet, and keys, kisses Babydoll, and then locks up after himself.

 

It’s warm out tonight, even for Christmas Eve. His long sleeves feel too heavy. Loud family gatherings spill out onto balconies and into the communal areas between buildings. When Levi gets in his truck and shuts the door, he can still hear them, though muted. He wonders what _they're_ doing tonight, whether it's snowed or they're hosting their neighbours, if they have a mission--

 

If everyone came down here with _him--_

 

Levi drives to Uri’s house on surprisingly vacant roads. He lets himself in with the key, deciding to wait in the kitchen than go find anyone in the big house. Mikasa is standing at the sink, filling the kettle, and she tosses a mournful hello over her shoulder. There's two cups on the counter by the tea box, so Levi invites himself to join and takes another down.

 

His cousin is wearing the fancier black today, and only one cross around her neck. As he puts tea bags in each mug, he asks, “You playing tonight?”

 

“Yes.” And then she tells him quietly, “Happy birthday.”

 

“Almost,” he replies. “But, thanks.”

 

She pours three cups but only two make it to the table. The other goes to the windowsill, beside a succulent and a tomato seedling. The breeze creeping in sweeps the swirls of steam around.

 

“You think the dead mind sharing?”

 

“Don't be an asshole,” she murmurs softly. For as much of a pain in the ass that she usually is, Levi knows when to back down from his cousin’s somber mood. She's as reserved as they come, but he knows the different ranges of her seriousness and swearing is always serious. “You're going to try and kill him, aren't you?”

 

Levi's fingers tighten around the handle of the mug before he lifts it to hide behind. Not only is she a pain in the ass, she's too fucking clairvoyant for anyone's good. Always trudging around in black, always speaking to the dead and familiars-- maybe there's something in her rituals that lays the world bare under her gaze. Levi doesn't care to find out. “I'm not going to try.”

 

Mikasa doesn't take his distortion of the truth as a denial. “Just let it be, Levi.”

 

“You don't know what he did,” he growls, clenching his teeth. “You don't get it.”

 

“No, I don't, because no one here will talk to me,” she replies coolly, but there's anger there, just under the surface.

 

“Leave each other alone,” Kenny says from somewhere around the corner. When he steps into the kitchen, he's buttoning the top of his shirt, one of the good cowboy shirts without any blood or stains. “We got a long night ahead of us. Don't y'all start shit now.”

 

“Levi plans to kill Mister Smith tonight,” Mikasa says with her eyes on her tea.

 

Levi doesn't get to react beyond a dropping jaw because Kenny slaps the back of his head in passing and says, “No he fucking ain't!”

 

“Kenneth, your words, please.” Uri makes his appearance, and the Ackermans push their scuffle aside. The pastor hobbles his way to the table and sits down in the chair between the cousins, his cane resting in his lap. He speaks quietly, forcing everyone to be still and listen closely. “It is the holy eve of Christ’s birth. Now is a time for introspection and repentance.”

 

Mikasa takes his words solemnly, like she does everything fucking else. She could get away with whatever she wanted, with that stoic façade and fireless obedience. Kenny gets in one more slap on Levi’s head before he goes to prepare a cup of tea, and when it's ready, he leans over the table and sets it down in front of Uri.

 

“Look, ya little shit,” Kenny says to Levi. “You ain't killing Smith.”

 

Levi's teeth grind together but Kenny continues. “You do that, and y’re gonna get us all killed or worse. This is business. You start fucking with people’s money and they're gonna get ya gone. I ain't like Smith, I still answer to someone, so you better get rid of whatever fucking plan you got _right_ now.”

 

Yeah, Kenny has to answer to his suppliers, and Levi knows they're more like equals than anything, but he's not going to say that. If he fights too much, Kenny will quarantine him. The senior Ackerman does not take these kinds of risks anymore. Not after the first few times Levi almost derailed his carefully laid plans.

 

“Fine,” Levi snaps, even though it is definitely not fine. But he doesn't need them to validate his anger. He knows he is justified in wanting to kill Erwin, in planning on doing so. Only then can he move on with his life and sever these malignant, lingering threads. He has no other choice. He _has_ to kill Erwin.

 

When they arrive at the church, the syndication crew from a local cable station is already setting up for tonight’s broadcast. Levi forgot they were televising tonight, but it makes sense after seeing Kenny in a good shirt. Levi hangs back, watching his uncle with his partner, they way they work together. For all the shit Kenny gives Levi about having been a pet, the man is honestly acting no better. Uri isn't manipulative in the way Erwin was, there's no coercion or punishment. Whatever his uncle has found holds genuine, mutual respect outside of their profitable business. The jealousy stoked within himself by witnessing their relationship is the only jealousy that Levi acknowledges.

 

;;;

 

His phone wakes him up a few hours later, ringing to voicemail twice and continuing on a third round, the caller more persistent than Levi wants to deal with before dawn. He drags his hand down his face with an exasperated sigh before rolling off the sofa and going to answer. Kenny’s name lights up the screen.

 

“What?” He snaps.

 

 _“Good morning, Levi, I'm sorry to disturb you,”_ Uri begins and Levi instantly regrets snapping at the pastor, though he's sure that Uri understands.

 

“It's fine, what is it?” There's indistinct yelling in the background coming over the line.

 

 _“Mikasa has gone missing and-- yes, dearest, I'm telling him-- and Kenny needs you to come over.”_ From the background, Kenny adds, _“Right fucking now!”_

 

Levi holds the phone away to look at the time and then presses it back to his ear to ask, “When did you last see her?”

 

_“At service last night, she played and then said she would stay after to practice for Sunday service. She drove herself there.”_

 

Levi hadn't seen her in person, but Kenny would have at least checked with her before leaving her there like that. “Okay, I'll be there in a bit.”

 

“ _Thank you, Levi_ ,” Uri says with audible relief. _“And happy birthday_.”

 

“Thanks.” Levi hangs up and puts his phone down, then picks it right back up, tapping the web browser and finding the bookmarks for Mikasa’s social media accounts. There's been no activity on any of them since yesterday afternoon, something highly unusual. It is just her usual spiritual things. Even as he scrolls through the more recent posts about intuition and photos of offerings, there are no clues to where she's gone, but Levi knows. Without a doubt, he _knows_.

 

He swats away the spike of anxiety and focuses. She's a pain in his ass but she doesn't know what she's getting into and this isn't something she will survive. He's got to get her back home before she ends up like him. He's got to get her back, for her sake, before Erwin touches her the _way_ he touched Levi. The wind rushes from him as his rib cage constricts to almost nothing, and he feels absolutely gutted at the thought of Erwin using his tricks on anyone other than him, of Erwin touching anyone else’s scars and praising them in sweet words. It's too much to bear, so Levi uncaps his tequila and takes a drink straight from the bottle before he gets ready.

 

At the Reiss property, Levi lets himself in and he finds his uncle by chasing his echos through the hallways. They're in the living room, Uri in his wingback with his cane over his lap, Kenny by the window, still ranting and raving, though he's brought the volume down since the phone call.

 

“I leave her there all the fuckin’ time!” Kenny shakes his head. “I've left her alone other times Smith been down here, and nothin’! She ain't never done this!”

 

“I know, dearest,” Uri says kindly. “But, it's her choice and her actions.”

 

“Imma kill her when she gets back. She's goin’ in quarantine and ain't comin’ out for ten fucking years, that fuckin’ brat,” Kenny seethes in empty threat.

 

Honestly, Levi wasn't expecting this either, and he thinks that this only proves her commitment to her plan. For two years, she has been perfectly behaved, perfectly in line with what has been expected of her. It really should not surprise him that she crafted this good reputation to make her escape easier.

 

“We’re over six hours behind,” Kenny says with a tendril of defeat. “They could be back in Denver already. And only you know where they really hide out.”

 

Levi looks back at his uncle to find a finger pointed, and he scowls in response. Stomach lurching, Levi spits, “I'm not fucking telling you.”

 

“Jesus fuck,” Kenny swears and stomps forward to take Levi by the collar of his shirt. “Why’re you protecting them?”

 

Levi knocks Kenny’s grip away and steps closer, purely challenge. There's someone in that circle who can't defend themselves, and he's not going to put them in danger even if that means finally seeing Erwin dead. “I'm not protecting them. That's my only advantage and I'm not about to give it up.”

 

“You been trying to get back there the whole time you been here.” Kenny levels him with a look. “You think Imma let you go alone?” He laughs, a hoarse bark. “Ain't neither of ya coming back if I do!”

 

Levi doesn't think before he drops his bargain on the table, but once he says it, it feels like the right thing. “Either I go alone or your piece of shit kid stays!”

 

“Let’s not limit ourselves to ultimatums,” Uri interrupts in the shocked silence that follows. The pastor takes the handle of his cane and maneuvers to stand.

 

But Levi refuses to budge on this. “No, that's all I'm willing to do.”

 

Kenny glares at him, his expression twisting into anger, before he storms out of the living room. Further down the hallway, he swears loudly and slams another door behind him.

 

Uri watches him go, and walks closer to Levi. “Why do you believe that this is the only option?”

 

Levi grinds his teeth together as he thinks of a vague answer. Nothing comes to him, so he remains silent. He's not entirely certain of his offer. While he likes to think that he's got the strength to defy Erwin’s tricks and manipulation, something pathetic inside of him reminds him how easily he folded last time. He fell for Erwin, in every sense of the word, and there's a locked up part of him that always begs him to go back, so he's not sure he ever really healed. Erwin took him apart and rebuilt him, and Levi has not been shattered since. He is still the same. Babydoll, her collar, sleeping with the dog bed on a sofa instead of an actual bed, the undercut-- it's all the same. His rituals are the same and it's shameful. Levi wants to be better than the mewling kitten Erwin made him, but even after two years, he wakes up from dreams thinking, _Erwin will come for me._ So he drinks at every opportunity, drinks so that he doesn't have to remember and yearn.

 

“What did she take?” Levi asks to pull himself away from the reverie.

 

Uri leans on his cane. “Last night, she only took the cello in its case, but she must have slipped in the rifle as well, because it is gone, too.”

 

“And she didn't leave it in her car at the church?”

 

“No. It's empty.”

 

“Is there a sniper to replace her in the meantime?”

 

“One of Petra’s boys can stand in,” Uri assures him. “She's been pushing them to qualify for a thousand meters, and if I'm not wrong, I believe they've all passed.”

 

It doesn't compare to Mikasa’s three thousand, but it'll have to do. Levi's not worried about who will replace him, though, because he does nothing of importance. He’s just a runner, the few times Kenny brings him in on things. There's no doubt in Levi's mind that Mikasa's isn't coming back, even though he's trying to convince himself otherwise. She wasn't taken, she left voluntarily, but she doesn’t understand what they’ll do to her. And truthfully, he knows he is going to Denver for himself, to selfishly indulge the masochistic curiosity of whether Erwin will shape her like he shaped Levi. He shouldn't care, because he wants Erwin dead, but he needs to know, like he needs to breathe, he needs to know if Erwin ever meant the things he said.

 

“Pastor,” Levi says quietly. “I'm going home and packing, and then I'm driving to Denver. I don't care if you tell Kenny, but that's my decision.”

 

Uri comes closer. “Is there anything I can offer to change your mind?”

 

Levi shakes his head and turns away. “But if I don't come back…”

 

“Is it your desire to be there, Levi?”

 

Immediately bristling, Levi clenches his teeth and snarls, “If I don't come back, it's ‘cause I'm dead.”

 

“Of course,” Uri yields, but they both know the truth.

 

;;;

 

Levi gets to Colorado at midnight on the second day of driving straight through. Babydoll is cranky from being cooped up in his truck, but she allows him to put her in the carrier with minimal complaining. He's been sleeping at rest stops for an hour at a time and driving as much as he can stand, so after he gets checked into the shabby motel in Centennial, and sets up the litter box, he passes out fully dressed on the bed.

 

When he comes back to himself in the early afternoon of the next day, Babydoll is a purring lump between his shoulder blades. He rolls carefully so as not to startle her, and then sits up, rubbing that the throbbing point in his head.

 

Again, he dreamt of Erwin. After spending so many hours driving with nothing but the radio and his memories, he knows it was bound to happen. In his dream, they were back in Sina, in Erwin's apartment, their limbs sweaty and tangled on the sofa. Levi was stretched out on Erwin’s chest, and their hearts beat in time, their breathing was synced. And all the while, Levi was thinking, _finally, I'm home with him again, it was all a nightmare_ , but waking up to reality leaves him filled with strange longing. It's the fact that he's back here on the Front Range, he tells himself. Because of where he is at now, he's having these thoughts, they mean nothing.

 

He didn't need to rush here, but he tells himself that it's for Mikasa’s sake that he needed to be here as soon as possible. If he can get her out of here before they break her, she'll be alright-- maybe not immediately, by eventually. As long as she doesn't go through what he did. And he's confused by the hot flush that overcomes him when he thinks that the same man who broke him might use those same tactics on his cousin. He doesn't want to think about Erwin, not unless he's thinking about killing him, but he can't stop the memories as they tumble through his head: the house in the mountains, the basement, a bed with red sheets and warm like a womb--

 

_How fucking pathetic he was for Erwin, how he practically begged for affection, how good it felt when Erwin gave it to him._

 

Levi scrubs half his skin off in the too-hot shower. He's not going to fall down that spiral today, he's got too much work to do, but he still finds himself brushing out his hair and considering wearing it down, wanting to show it to Erwin. He twists it up in a firm knot instead because he knows he should not try to impress the man. Once he's cleaned up and dressed, he gets the cat food out of his truck and feeds Babydoll. Before he leaves for the day, he sets the television on the weather channel with the volume low, and opens the curtains so that she can sunbathe later on.

 

He drives to Commerce City, getting lost once in his way through all the new developments that have sprouted in the two years since he's been gone, but once he's in the right neighbourhood, he knows exactly where to go. They still have their old Yaris and it sits in the driveway, then Erwin's truck in the driveway of the middle house in a row of five.

 

Levi parks along the street, more than ever now painfully aware that his truck matches Erwin’s. In the wake of embarrassment overriding his nerves, Levi makes his move, striding in mock-confidence to the front door and knocking. Despite the chill and the thinness of the air at this elevation, he's only in jeans and a long sleeve shirt. He keeps his hands at his sides, nails biting crescents into his palms.

 

It's been two years since he's seen any of them, and he's expecting them to all be together, so when Mike opens the door alone, Levi isn't sure how to react.

 

“Thought you'd come around,” Mike says, thrusting his hand forward in an offering, and Levi shakes it. “Come on in, they'll be back soon.”

 

Levi enters with caution. He can feel Mike’s eyes scouring, searching for hidden weapons. Defensively, he tells the man, “I'm unarmed and I came alone, Major.”

 

“If we’re using titles, you still a pet?” Mike shuts the door but leaves it unlocked.

 

“Where's Mikasa?” Levi asks instead.

 

“Dunno.” Mike finally moves from the door and through the entryway into the large living room. Levi follows slowly. It's all normal, and a lot like he remembers, except that Nanaba’s den is now littered with toys and barred off with a baby gate. Levi tries not to look too hard, but he recognises most of those toys and it makes him feel at ease. Mike must catch him looking, because he says, “You'll finally get to see Judah in person.”

 

Levi's taken aback. For some reason, he's always assumed that Nanaba sharing pictures was a secret between the two of them. “You knew?”

 

“Who do you think gave her permission?”

 

“You still tell her what to do?”

 

“She's retired, not a stray.”

 

“She's a person.”

 

“She's mine,” Mike says, and the absence of inflection gives Levi a sense of danger. “Look, I finally forgave you for almost getting her killed. Don't _you_ come at me with the idea that she's being abused because she's owned.”

 

Just like he did back then, Levi yields and shuts his mouth, biting his tongue and internally cursing himself as he does. Being back here is a mistake. He's just slipping back into the pathetic thing he was; it's like he's not even _trying_ to hold onto who he's become in the last two years.

 

Mike continues into the kitchen, taking the house phone from its cradle and dialing a number. Levi can hear the ring from the other end, and then Mike hangs it up. “Take a seat,” Mike says casually, but it's an order. “Your man will be here in a sec.”

 

Levi's stomach drops down to his knees and then catipaults up into his throat. Erwin is not his man, not anymore. Erwin is a dead man, as soon as Levi gets Mikasa back, Erwin will die. Erwin is not his man. He's not. And Levi is not his pet.

 

The front door opens, the sound coming from behind him, and Levi freezes beyond his own control. It shuts, and there are paced steps. With each one, Levi remembers all the sweet words he’d been told, until the steps are on the kitchen tiles and the whole world seems to stand still for a moment. Levi’s breath is stolen by the phantom feeling of Erwin swaddling him in sensory deprivation. That’s how it feels, he thinks, in the moment between when the footsteps stop and Erwin opens his mouth to say, “Hello, katze.”

 

Mike is leaning his hip against the counter, his hands braced backward, looking purposefully disinterested. In his mind, Levi knows that he should not accept the name, he should remind Erwin of who he is, but it’s so wonderful to be acknowledged, it feels so good to matter enough to be given a new name. And he wants that, he wants to be Erwin’s.

 

It’s that thought and suddenly, Levi remembers why he’s here. He turns to look at Erwin, the head of the Organisation, but averts his gaze to Erwin’s broad chest at the last moment. Without bargaining, he demands, “Where is Mikasa?”

 

“Let’s sit down to discuss this.” Erwin sweeps his hand out invitingly.

 

“No,” Levi holds firm.

 

Erwin sighs, and the disappointment in the sound makes Levi want to curl his shoulders inward and hide, but he doesn’t. Erwin says, “She’s in Sina.”

 

The fact that the information is so easily given makes Levi’s finer hairs stand on end. He’s come here expecting to fight for everything, and instead, Erwin is being open with him. Was he always so open when Levi belonged to him? If Levi comes back, will he still be so open? No, that’s treacherous. Levi’s not coming back, no matter what. Erwin’s going to die.

 

“So,” Levi says with a rise of anger, “are you gonna break her?”

 

Without answering, Erwin moves past Levi to the cabinet, and Levi twists to watch his movements without actually looking at him yet. He hooks his fingers around the rims of two glasses and lowers them to the counter, and then he fills each one halfway with tap water. While Erwin does, Mike watches Levi with stone features.

 

The silence stirs with Levi’s angry demanding, “Are you?”

 

“Water?” Erwin turns back around and holds out a glass in offering, Levi’s eyes focusing on his hands instead of his face. “You're coming from sea level to almost six thousand feet, you need to stay hydrated, katze.”

 

Hands moving of their own accord, Levi takes the glass but does not drink, nor does he thank Erwin. Some part of Levi’s brain tells him to shut up, but his desire for the truth is masochistic. “Are you going to use the same manipulation you used on me? It won’t work on her since she already knows.”

 

Mike looks at Erwin and the two share a look. The major informs Levi, “Mikasa is here as a recruit.”

 

Levi’s building anger extinguishes. A little dumbly, he echoes, “Recruit?”

 

“She contacted us with her interest,” Mike continues. “She offered us her skills. So Erwin picked her up when she asked him to.”

 

Yet again, Levi's rib cage constricts to nothing, and his stomach jumps. “All she had to do was ask?”

 

“Katze,” Erwin coos, and Levi's eyes dart to him then, seeking, needing. Erwin hasn’t aged, he’s still _glorious_ and golden and god-like; the only change is his right eye, now a cloudy swirl under a scarred eyelid. “Do you remember why I surrendered you?"

 

“Don't call me that,” Levi half-heartedly refuses the name. Everything feels a little off, like nothing is quite right anymore. He remembers when Erwin drew forth the promise from him that Kenny would die, but Erwin has never given him the option to just ask. Why does Mikasa get that? What's special about her, that she can shoot so far away? Levi was a weapon in his entire being, why does _she_ get to simply _ask_?

 

Erwin is looking at Levi like he still knows everything, and he brushes aside the half-hearted warning to say, “Do you want to come home, too, darling katze?”

 

Levi is pathetic. For two years, he’s been angry at Erwin, he’s been fixating on how to carve revenge from flesh, and a name, a fucking _name_ is pushing all that aside to unearth the good boy that Levi thought he’d finally managed to chain down. But he’s relieved beyond his own comprehension that Mikasa is a recruit, not a pet. Her departure was voluntary, as he assumed, but he thought it was for a different reason, and he was wrong, and he’s never been happier to be wrong.

 

“What about killing Kenny?” Levi asks, entertaining the offer, pretending that he’s not truly interested.

 

“We’re in business together,” Erwin says like the answer is plain as day. “It benefits us both to stay not only alive, but also peaceful.”

 

Levi knows they’re in business together. He knows that since Organisation protection has sprouted up in Miami, Kenny is hiding more drug money in the church bank accounts under the guise of ‘tithe and donations’ so that it sits accounted for, tax-free, and perfectly legal.

 

“If you’re here to rescue Mikasa, then I take it your uncle is worried that her being here will upset our balance,” Erwin continues. “As a token of my good intentions, I’ll send you back.”

 

“Send me back? You don’t command me,” Levi retorts with a scoff, trying to hide his blooming desperation. Erwin’s always been able to read him too well.

 

“You’re welcome to stay here until you recover from your trip.” Reaching forward, Erwin nudges the glass of water closer to Levi. “After that, you’ll need to be a good boy and head back to Miami.”

 

Levi feels like Erwin is backing him into a corner and he grits his teeth, choosing not to answer.

  



	2. To Entreat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for alcoholism, restless/indecisive thoughts, and guns.

Levi needs someone to yell at him, to inadvertently remind him of life outside of Erwin's palm, so he calls Kenny. He’s kicking around old snow in Mike’s garden while he holds his phone to his ear and hears his uncle without really listening. There are the usual threats of quarantine, plans about making Levi move into the Reiss house as well, or other measures to better control Levi , though they both know nothing will change when he gets back. After a few minutes, Kenny runs out of steam and his arguments come to a close with a concerned question.

 

_“Have ya at least seen her?”_

 

“No,” Levi says, the first word in their conversation since he admitted to being in Denver without orders.

 

 _“It’s the least you can fuckin’ do,”_ Kenny spits meanly. _“Y’re there and ya need to make sure she’s a recruit like they say. Don’t go blindly following that piece of shit, not on my watch.”_

 

Levi grits his teeth at the insult even though he knows he can’t defend Erwin-- no, he _shouldn’t_ defend Erwin. That’s not something he can allow himself to want: to see enough good in Erwin to defend the man. Not when Erwin took him home and gave him a name and gave him away. Fuck, this phone call isn’t helping Levi the way he wanted.

 

“I can go to Sina and look around but if I can’t find her, that’s just that.”

 

_“What? Can’t ask one of them where she’s at?”_

 

Levi looks back to the window over the sink that looks out over the garden, and he can see Erwin and Mike speaking to one another. It wouldn’t hurt to ask, but what happens if Erwin decides to escort him there, to limit Levi’s risk? Does Erwin think that Levi might intervene, drag Mikasa back to Miami himself, or can Levi go alone? It’s not like Levi’s done anything to damage Erwin’s trust, after all.

 

If Erwin wasn’t lying about trusting him, that is.

 

“Yeah, I’ll ask, but they might not tell me.” Levi rubs a hand down his face and flexes his fingers in the cold. As much as he hates to admit it, he’s already acclimated to living in the heat. The thin mountain air is foreign to his body after two years on the beach.

 

 _“Look, if you can’t get some lousy intel, don’t even bother comin’ back,”_ Kenny barks without a bite. _“I expect Mikasa to walk through this door Monday morning, ya got that?”_

 

It’s Friday afternoon now, but Levi scoffs out a sarcastic, “Absolutely.”

 

Kenny hangs up on him and Levi swears at the old bastard before slipping his phone into his back pocket. He’s not quite ready to go inside yet, but the chill in the air forces him. Mike and Erwin have to decency to continue their conversation when Levi opens the back door, instead of going silent with implication. He’s glad they weren’t talking about him, so he interrupts them by saying, “I need to see Mikasa.”

 

The blondes regard his demand with plain expressions, and after a moment too long, Erwin offers, “I suppose I can call Nile.”

 

“She’s with Nile?”

 

“Yes.” Erwin looks Levi in the eyes. “Even recruits need a little breaking, and you were my last. Nile handles all of that now.”

 

There’s something scratching in Erwin’s words, because Levi remembers the Arlert house in Denver, he remembers a conversation about Erwin’s duties in breaking recruits and pets, though the latter required more intense measures. Instead of taking concern for his cousin’s wellbeing right away, Levi wants to latch onto Erwin’s words and the confession that he has not broken anyone since he broke Levi.

 

“How,” Levi starts, wrenching his thoughts back into safe territory. “How does it go for recruits?”

 

Erwin cocks his head curiously at Levi and hums. “What do you mean?”

 

It feels like a game, and Levi is ignorant of the rules, so he shrugs. He’s not asking in a weird way, it’s a pretty forward question, and basic wording. If Erwin wants him to reveal his inner thoughts by rambling, it’s not going to happen. And of course, Erwin does not volunteer any information, so they’re at a standstill. Levi grits his teeth.

 

“Nevermind,” he finally utters and rolls his shoulders. “Can I see her or not?”

 

“As I said, I can call Nile.” Erwin doesn’t budge.

 

“Okay, and then what?”

 

Erwin crosses his arms over his broad chest, the corners of his mouth tugging down, and he pins Levi with an inquisitive look. “Are you in a rush, katze?”

 

Levi narrows his eyes at Erwin. “That’s not my name.”

 

“I asked, are you in a rush?”

 

“Yeah. Kenny wants Mikasa back by Monday.”

 

Erwin hums and dares to smirk. “Well, since that won’t be happening, I assume you’re not in a rush after all.”

 

“Well, it could happen.” It’s Levi’s turn to shrug. “Maybe she’s here against her will.”

 

“I assure you, she initiated contact with me,” Erwin informs him. “She reached out to me, so I met her needs.”

 

Levi knows Erwin is using that word choice on purpose, and even though he tries to let it roll off his back, Levi’s chest tightens again instead. This man is baiting him, playing with him, and Levi does not enjoy the game. It was stupid of him to come back here like this. He shouldn’t have stormed off as if he knew better, as if he knew what he was getting into. It would have been better to let Kenny deal with Erwin himself, because it feels like Erwin is not going to die by Levi's hand soon enough.

 

“I still need to see her,” Levi manages to say.

 

“I still need to call Nile.” Erwin turns and heads for the front door again. “Come over whenever you're ready.”

 

Levi watches the man leave, spending a moment weighing his options, and then he chases after Erwin. If he hears Mike chuckle, he ignores it.

 

“Hey!” Levi calls, not too loudly, when he gets outside. Erwin looks over his shoulder as he opens his own door, inviting Levi in by holding it for him as he trudges over. When he's inside, he mutters his thanks.

 

Erwin closes the door but doesn't lock it. “Nice of you to join me.”

 

Levi curls his shoulders in and shrugs it off. “Call the guy.”

 

“He's usually busy at this time,” Erwin says, though he takes his phone out and taps on it, and then the space between them is filled with the sound of ringing on speakerphone that drags all the way to voicemail until Erwin hangs up. “Nile will call me back when he's available.”

 

“When will that be?”

 

Erwin studies Levi for a too-long moment, enough to make Levi say, “Like, can we go tonight? Or what?”

 

“We?” Erwin asks with a lifted brow.

 

Levi rolls his eyes and bites his tongue. “Or whatever. I need to go and make sure she's fine.”

 

“She's fine, katze. You have my word.”

 

“Your word,” Levi scoffs and turns away, then turns right back around, restlessness itching at his skin. “Your word, Erwin? It doesn't mean anything.”

 

“You say that now.” And Erwin takes a step forward, into Levi's space, and Levi doesn't take a step back even as Erwin takes another to move closer. “Yet you live and die by my word.”

 

Like a bolt of lightning short circuiting his brain, Levi tenses and go still like a petrified animal in the face of danger. He knows he's looking up at Erwin with weakness written in the helplessness on his face, but he can't think clearly enough to mask it. It shouldn't make him feel good to have Erwin saying this.

 

“You gave me away,” Levi murmurs, slowly finding his scowl and slipping into it. “Even after you said I was yours.”

 

“I didn't give you away,” Erwin says, and Levi watches his hand as it comes up to pinch Levi's chin. He doesn't shy away from the touch, even though he knows he should, he knows he should not let Erwin have authority over him like this, so easily. But part of him is giddy to have Erwin’s hand on him after two years, and it is louder than his common sense.

 

“I didn't give you away,” Erwin says again, and it's gentler, quieter. Intimate. “I sent you away to save your life, but my plans backfired. I wanted you to kill your uncle to come back home, but I never imagined things would end how they did. You couldn't kill him, so you couldn't come home. It's alright to be angry at me, katze, because it's my fault.”

 

Levi cannot think. The validation is a sweet stroke along his spine but it feels wrong for Erwin to carry the weight of blame.

 

“So, darling,” Erwin continues, barely giving Levi time to process his words. “Stay for dinner tonight, and go back to Miami in the morning. Tell Kenny that I'll have Mikasa stationed there as Organisation protection, after she finishes her training.”

 

Levi's first instinct is to spite Erwin. The man’s orders don't apply to him anymore, no matter how good they feel. If he wants to go to Sina and see for himself, then it’s his decision to make. But he finds himself leaning into Erwin’s hand with an acquiescing nod. It's good not to be responsible for his actions, and it's cowardly for him to think so, yet in that moment, he doesn't really care. Erwin's touching him, and telling him what to do, and claiming the fault for Levi's time away. It feels too good to ruin by being spiteful.

 

The same side of himself that is giddy is also happy to be here, meanwhile the other side of him wants to tuck tail and run back home. He's not sure which one is the more appropriate response. Erwin's telling him to go back, after all. It would be easiest, and it would feel the best, maybe, to do as he's told, though he's adamant with himself that it's not an obligation to obedience. He _can_ do whatever he wants, and if he happens to want to go back after Erwin tells him to go back, then that's just coincidence.

 

“Alright.” Levi looks Erwin in the face, in the good eye, though the cloudy eye focuses on him, too. It's foolish to give himself up so easy, but Levi is a fool, and _still_ Erwin’s fool. Two years doesn't erase almost thirteen years in total, years in which Erwin has meddled in his life like the worst kind of guardian angel. “Alright. I'll do that.”

 

Erwin squeezes Levi's chin where it's still in his grasp, and then his thumb rises to run a rogue path over Levi's bottom lip. He breaks their eye contact to look at Levi's mouth when lips part on a shuddering breath. “You've grown your hair out.”

 

Levi pulls back from Erwin's grip and raises his hands to undo the hair ties unbidden. Fuck, he's in deep, he's such a fool, but it's an acknowledgement and Levi's going to use it to do what he wanted so badly. Combing his fingers through, shaking his head so the waves settle, he looks again to Erwin, silently waiting for Erwin’s opinion like an _idiot._ But he needs it. He needs it like he needs _everything_ from Erwin.

 

“You've never had it so long,” Erwin finally says. His hand hovers at Levi's chin still, and slowly, he slides it along Levi's throat without threat. Levi's not sure he's still breathing as Erwin pushes his fingers into black hair and runs down the length, all the way to his elbows. He fingers the ends and then raises them to press in a kiss. “What made you decide this?”

 

“It felt… like you wanted it to grow out,” Levi says, and it's impossible to get air into his lungs with Erwin looking at him this way, “back when I was yours.”

 

Erwin’s eyes flash with possessiveness and Levi wants to bathe in the way his stomach tightens. “You're still mine.”

 

Levi bites back on the gasp as Erwin's hand reacquaints with his throat, and there's pressure this time before it settles heavy on his nape. They're pulled flush together and Levi can feel warm breath on his crown.

 

“I'll bring you home,” Erwin whispers. “What a _good_ boy you’ve been, katze.”

 

Levi doesn't have it in him to reject the affection because it's traitorous, he’s stupid, but he wants it. It's all he's wanted for two years, to be told he belonged to this man, and he has it now. He doesn't allow himself to be happy for it, but it takes his anger and digs it a grave and buries it with such finality that Levi can only feel relieved.

 

Erwin still has him.

 

Their silence is broken by the faraway shutting of car doors, and then Levi feels Erwin's chest rumble as he says, “Nana’s back.”

 

“Can I go see her?” Levi asks before he realises he's seeking permission that he doesn't need.

 

The contact disappears, and Levi tries not to mourn the loss. He has his reassurance, after all. He moves past Erwin and back to the other house.

 

;;;

 

While Levi got to Denver in two days, it takes him an entire week to get back to Miami. When he left early the next morning, he’d driven an hour south, into Colorado Springs, where he pulled off on the side of the road and screamed frustrated obscenities into his steering wheel before breaking down and crying for another two hours. Thoroughly drained after that, he got back on the road, sniffling the whole way until he pulled into a parking area at noon and passed out. He woke up at sundown, stretched his legs at a rest stop bathroom, and drove on into the night.

 

His stomach didn’t begin to protest until the second day, and somewhere in East Texas, he decided to get a motel room in the shady side of a city. It gave Babydoll the chance to relax for a little bit, so they laid on the bed and watched trashy television with a few boxes of take-out spread around them. After that stop, though, Levi backtracked for a half a day with the resolve to get back to Denver, convinced that he wasn’t done with Erwin, but a speeding ticket from a state trooper yanked him back into reality. He didn’t turn around toward Denver again, but he slowed down, and on the first Friday of the new year, he gets to the Reiss house.

 

Kenny hadn’t bothered him all week, and he’s sure Erwin let the man know that Levi was on his way back. He lets himself in with the key. The weight of his trip is heavy on his shoulders, heavier with the knowledge that he’s back here but it’s not permanent. There’s an end to his time here, and he’s so _fucking_ stupid to look forward to that.

 

He steps into the dining room to find Kenny and Uri sitting over dessert, and he can’t stop the memory dinner with Mike, Nanaba, Judah, and Erwin. God, that’ll become normal for him. It had felt so normal to eat with them again, to talk as if two years hadn’t passed between them, to have Nana calling him ‘Erwin’s boy’ and cooing, “Erwin, your boy is so cute with all that hair!”

 

Levi sits at the empty head of the long table with a gruff, “Hey.”

 

“Welcome back,” Uri says. “We have tiramisu from Petra.”

 

Levi jumps up to alleviate the restlessness in his body. Sure enough, there’s a covered platter in the refrigerator, precut slices. He puts one on a plate and when he comes back to the dining table, Uri pats the chair caddy corner to his at the head. It puts Levi directly across from Kenny, but he ignores his uncle.

 

“It’s a long drive across the city. I’ll make up the guest room for you,” Uri offers.

 

“It’s fine. I’ve got Baby in the truck.”

 

“If you’re sure.” The pastor pauses for a moment. “Kenneth and I were just talking about my sermon for the first Sunday.”

 

Levi hums, trying to focus on Uri’s words and block out his own whirling thoughts.

 

“In Luke chapter seven, we’re told of a sinful woman forgiven of her sins for showing her love as Jesus dined with a Pharisee. She came, uninvited, with an alabaster jar of perfume.” Uri takes Kenny’s empty plate and stacks it on top of his own. “As Jesus was reclining at the table, she wept at his feet, and wiped them clean with her hair, and kissed them. She poured perfume on them. And when the Pharisee saw this, he found the woman unworthy of touching Jesus. Jesus tells the story of two forgiven debtors, one sum ten times larger than the other, and asks Simon sitting with him, if both are forgiven by the lender, who loves the lender more?”

 

Levi swallows what’s in his mouth, but it tastes like nothing in the wake of the story. In that moment, he’s standing with Erwin, and Erwin’s kissing the ends of his hair.

 

Uri finishes, “And they say to him, the one with the larger debt with love him more. So, Jesus tells them that their behaviour is inferior to this woman, because since he entered the house, she has not stopped kissing his feet. She is made worthy through his forgiveness, for showing her love without hesitation. There’s something about humility in that, don’t you think, Levi? Humility is important in forgiveness.”

 

Staring down at his half-eaten plate, Levi swallows and covers his mouth with his hand, bracing the other against the table. From deep inside of his chest, he feels burning, he feels like he should have stayed away from Denver, he feels like he shouldn’t have come back to Miami. He doesn’t know where he should be right now, but he knows that no matter what, he’s _here_ now and Erwin promises to bring him home. Without speaking, Uri covers Levi’s hand with his own, squeezing gently.

 

“Your uncle was telling me that Karanes needs another runner,” he says in his soothing tone. He’s not pressing it, only offering. “That might help take your mind off things.”

 

Levi nods without thinking. He’d done one job on the island, way back before Kenny realised that Levi would cause trouble on purpose. It was long days, long and hard and exhausting, and then he would pass out in his cot. Right now, that sounds good. That sounds like something to pass the time until Erwin comes-- but what if Erwin comes while Levi’s gone? Then what?

 

Or maybe that’s the way it should be. Levi was so close to getting over Erwin, it’s taken two years and all he had to do was _kill_ the man, and he could have moved on with his life. _No,_ now he’s messed it up by going to Denver. He’s undone all his hard work. It feels like he’s falling, like he’s falling for Erwin again, and he can’t let that happen.

 

He had been so pathetic when he needed to learn to be strong for himself. Days had blurred together, bottles had blurred together. With every bone in his body, he had yearned for Erwin. In his dreams, he was with Erwin. He would wake up all alone on the sofa in his brand new apartment, he would call out for Erwin, and there would be no answer. He was owned wholly, and he was given away. What will stop Erwin from doing that in the future? What if he sends Levi on a mission and Levi fucks up again, will Erwin send him away for two _more_ years?

 

Denver was a mistake. Levi’s anger is gone from him, even now, even while he’s thinking of Erwin bringing him back home only to send him away again. There’s anticipatory thumping in his gut, a desire to take whatever Erwin will give him, because it’s Erwin’s will and it gives him purpose. That’s not him. That’s Erwin’s boy. That’s katze. Levi does not wear Erwin’s collar anymore. His throat is bare, but he knows like he knows how to breathe, that he would wash Erwin’s feet with his hair to get that collar back.

 

It’s foolish but he’s such a fucking fool. He’s so stupid. He’s not going to survive without Erwin telling him what to do.

 

All Levi wants is to live. And he can’t live without Erwin. He can’t live without killing Erwin. He can’t move forward and he can’t go back. He needs Erwin to tell him where to go from here, to tell him how to move forward. He needs so much, and he’s just going to have to meet those needs himself.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Levi rasps at last, standing, gathering up the plates and taking them back to the kitchen. He doesn’t say goodbye before he leaves the house, going back to his truck. Kenny saw him in the flesh. He can go back to his apartment and lock himself away until he figures his shit out.

 

After stopping by the liquor store on the corner, he carries his backpack and Babydoll up to the thirteenth floor. His apartment is warm, so he opens the window, and then opens the carrier, and his cat darts out in agitation, making a b-line for her litter box. Levi digs through his refrigerator, but everything in it is questionable or spoiled, so he throws it all into a bag and walks it to the trash chute. All that’s left is a box of crackers in his pantry, so he opens them as he sits on the twin bed under the window with the new bottle of tequila.

 

It’s the next day when he wakes up on the bed, the window still open over him. A quick look finds Babydoll curled up on the crazy quilt on her climbing tree, snoozing safely.

 

“Fuck,” Levi grumbles, rubbing his hand over his eyes. He’s not hungover, but he could use something greasy to eat and a big glass of water. However, as soon as he picks up his phone, his appetite vanishes. It’s a text from a phone number that he doesn’t know, and it says, _Call me._

 

Levi does not make a habit of responding to wrong numbers, but he taps it anyway, holding his breath as he lifts his phone to his ear. There’s only one person who would be so domineering, even through written word, and Levi is not at all surprised when Erwin answers on the fourth ring with a purring, _“Good boy.”_

 

“What is it?” Levi snaps, knowing he can let the corners of his mouth tug upward and Erwin isn’t here to see. They’ve never spoken like this before. Erwin has only ever been something Levi experienced in person. It’s new and novelty.

 

 _“It’s important for you to be able to contact me whenever you need.”_ There’s the sound of a shutting door. _“For whatever you need.”_

 

Levi scoffs loud enough for Erwin to hear. “What’s considered a need?”

 

_“Are you hungover, my little katze?”_

 

Whatever grin Levi is sporting dies immediately.

 

_“You bought a brand new bottle of tequila last night. Is there any left?”_

 

Levi doesn’t answer. Slipping out of bed, he grabs the handgun from inside a kitchen drawer, walks on his toes to his front door and cracks it, peeking out into the hallway. Immediately, he levels his aim at the figure coming his way.

 

When Erwin approaches, so fearless despite the gun pointed at his head, he lowers his phone, locks it, slips it into his jeans pocket. Levi hears his phone beep with the disconnection alert, but he can’t move his hands.

 

“Good morning, darling.” Erwin stands, waiting. “May I come in?”

 

“You piece of shit,” Levi seethes. He doesn’t look away as he finally lowers his own phone, but without jeans, there’s no pockets for him to use. He take a step back, keeping aim, and then Erwin is _inside_ his apartment.

 

Two years of wanting Erwin to materialise here, and it’s a late fulfillment of his wishes. It’s bizarre for them to be in this space together, Levi’s space, Levi’s gun in his face.

 

“Are you going to shoot me?” Erwin asks with an edge of disbelieving curiosity.

 

“Yeah.” Levi takes a step closer, then another, until he can press the barrel into the tender underside of a stubbled jaw. Meanwhile, Erwin studies Levi without an ounce of fear in his eyes. There’s nothing but patience in his features. God, always so much patience for Levi.

 

Levi should kill him, here and now. He can leave the body, grab Baby, flee-- he rents this place under a fake name, his neighbours never see his face. He could go. He could be free of the last thirteen years on Erwin’s puppet strings. He can become whoever he wants to be, and there will be no repercussions, no disappointment, no one to make rules and make him obey those rules. It’s right there, with the easy slip of a forefinger from the trigger shield, to the trigger. Everything he wants, it’s right fucking there but god damn it, _god damn_ him to hell, he is a fucking _fool._

 

He clicks on the safety and lays it on the kitchen counter. He can’t look Erwin in the eye when he demands, “What do you want?”

 

“I’m just here to check on you.” Erwin looks Levi from head to toe and back up. “You never answered my question. Are you hungover?”

 

“How do you know I got tequila?”

 

“I watched you purchase it.” Erwin finally moves his scrutiny from Levi’s state of dishevel and turns it upon the studio. It’s only one room, but the lack of furniture keeps it from becoming cramped. There’s the unused bed under the window, the headboard facing the climbing tree on the opposite wall, there’s the sofa along the wall next to the kitchenette, and a bathroom behind a door. The rest is empty floor space. “Now will you answer my question?”

 

“No,” Levi says, then adds, “I’m not hungover.”

 

But he does feel like shit. His hair is loose around him, he’s only in an oversized t-shirt and briefs. His mouth tastes disgusting, and he’s been sweating in his sleep. He looks like a wreck.

 

“Are you going to Karanes?” Erwin reaches out and scratches Babydoll behind her ear and Levi wants to snatch the gun up again.

 

“Don’t touch her.”

 

“Alright.” When Erwin’s scratching disappears, Baby chirrups and shakes her head, awake and wanting more affection. “Karanes?”

 

“I don’t know yet. How--”

 

“Kenny.” Erwin turns a full circle and then closes the distance between them. “Are you hungry?”

 

It’s hard to keep up with Erwin, and it feels like a game to Levi, but he’s tired of trying to figure out the rules. He’s tired and it’s so easy to give in, so he does, but just a little bit. He’s only willing to give in a little bit. “Yeah.”

 

“What’s good around here?” Erwin steps from the climbing tree to the bed and invites himself to sit on the edge. It’s so fucking weird. He should not be here like this, asking Levi about breakfast. He should be a bloody body on the floor.

 

Levi crosses his arms over his chest. “If you wait until noon, there’s a food truck that hangs out at the corner store.”

 

“The one you stopped at?”

 

Levi nods. “They do really good sandwiches. Like the delicatessen in Sina.”

 

“It’s ten now.”

 

“Can you wait two hours?”

 

“Can _you,_ katze? When was the last time you had a proper meal?”

 

“I can wait,” Levi answers instead. “I need to shower, anyway.”

 

“Alright.” And Erwin doesn’t seem to be in the rush to leave the apartment, so Levi ducks into the bathroom, where he can breathe again.

 

His apartment has always felt like plenty of space, but Erwin’s so commanding of everything around him, it’s as if he’s commanded the walls to shrink down. A moment too late, Levi thinks of the gun he left on the counter and swears, but is Erwin a threat to him now? He spoke with Kenny to find out about Karanes. Someone knows he’s here, right? If anything happens to Levi, there’s an answer. But why is Erwin even here? Is he here to take Levi home already? He refuses to indulge in the tight knot of his stomach, so he turns on the shower.


	3. To Pray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings continue for alcohol. levi is a mess.

Levi doesn't have very many clothes, so he leaves them folded on the shelves in the bathroom. He's only got one towel, and it's always on the hook. His whole life, he's never had much, and the idea of living in Erwin’s house in Commerce City means he would have to adjust. From the little peek he had of the man’s house, the furniture was nice and heavy, polished and expensive. After being crammed into the tiny Sina apartment, Levi would have never guessed for Erwin to have such good taste with interior design. Maybe he even paid someone to make his home look so good. What's his cover story? It must be something affluent to justify having such nice things.

 

Levi is not a nice thing, but living there, with Erwin again, would that change?

 

He gets out of the shower later than planned. At first, he thought he would make it quick, but after remembering that he hadn't cleaned up since getting back home, he knew he needed to scrub. After his body is dry, he bends at the waist to twist his hair up in the towel to dry while he gets dressed. He scrunches the wet strands gently and when they're sufficiently less damp, he detangles the knots that formed in his sleep. In all this time, he's never left his hair loose so much as he has since seeing Erwin again, and he's going to leave it down again today, too. Erwin kissed his ends, he ran his fingers through it, and Levi wants an opportunity for more. As he passes the comb through it, Uri’s sermon weighs heavily on his mind, and Levi makes a note to avoid church on Sunday.

 

He lathers his face to shave the patchy beginnings of his beard. How much more humble can Levi become, anyway? He's not as low as he can be, but he's just… hopeless. The idea of killing Erwin kept him going, but now he's unsure if that's his ultimate goal. His living situation now is as good as it has been since his mother died. If this is as good as it can get for him, then what else does he have to strive for? What can he strive for but Erwin? It's not a healthy way to think, Levi knows, and then again, it seems like nothing between them has ever been healthy.

 

It was Erwin who orchestrated Levi's torture as a means of initial breaking, because he'd planned to _keep_ Levi right after his mother died. He spent time in foster homes because of Kenny’s meddling; a deal which benefited the elder Ackerman, too, and allowed him to keep his own head after his sister was murdered. Sometimes, and honestly too often, Levi daydreams that scenario. Enduring his torture, being broken by it just like he was, and going straight to Erwin instead of back into society. He would have healed under Erwin's care, his broken bones would probably still have mended just as fucked, but he would never have felt shame for his scars. With Erwin, he would have always felt good about them, he would never have hid them like he did.

 

At fourteen years old, he could have been a weapon in Erwin’s holster. He and Nanaba could have developed a work relationship that made them a deadly pair. He would never have been alone, he wouldn't have choked on foster rejection, on ten years of loneliness.

 

As it is now, he’s been broken twice, both times Erwin’s will, one time by Erwin’s hand directly. Levi doesn't think he'd be able to get over another breaking. If Erwin takes him home, will that happen? Half of his life, Levi has lived by Erwin’s design, and that's a long time to care about someone enough to keep track of them meticulously as Erwin’s tracked Levi.

 

Levi doesn't know what to do, and a quiet part of his brain whispers that maybe he should let Erwin decide. Scoffing to himself as he pats his face dry, he dismisses it.

 

Erwin his still sitting on the edge of Levi's bed when he comes out, Babydoll sitting breadloaf-style in his lap. When he sees Levi, he holds up his hands in placation. “She came on her own, I didn't want to touch her to move her.”

 

Levi doesn't answer as he walks over to Erwin and carefully picks up his cat. She meows a complaint that is soon forgotten as he sets her on the kitchenette counter and pulls down her bag of treats. While she crunches on a kibble, Levi slips his gun back into its drawer and checks his phone to find no notifications. In the silence, Levi is keenly aware of the transport chain and dog bed strewn on his sofa. He knows Erwin sees them, too.

 

Babydoll raises her spine up into his hand as he runs it down in long strokes. What a little traitor.

 

“What are you doing here, Erwin?” Levi asks.

 

Erwin braces his hands back on the bed and relaxes casually. “I brought your cousin back.”

 

“Already?”

 

“She's extraordinarily disciplined in a weapon, and she's quite invested emotionally. She didn't need training outside of the formalities. If you read the Sina Gazette, you'll understand that she is a Lieutenant now.” Erwin dares to show Levi the beginnings of a smile as he continues, “And after you've been fed, we are going to meet Kenny to negotiate.”

 

Levi doesn't have to ask what they're going to negotiate. He can see it in the way Erwin is looking at him. There's over and hour and a half until the food truck arrives, and Levi's ready to get Erwin out of his apartment-- that's what he tells himself when he says, “Let’s go now instead.”

 

“Will it spoil your appetite?”

 

“Nah,” Levi insists. It would be better for him to wait and eat before having to deal with Kenny, but now that he knows what's coming, Levi knows he will be too wrecked on nerves to eat anything substantial.

 

Erwin studies him with calculating eyes, and Levi unconsciously straightens his posture. It lasts a breath before Erwin says, “He and I already agreed on a time and place. I'm a man of my word.”

 

It would be easy to scoff back at the man just like he did at Denver, but this time, Levi stays quiet and accepts the explanation.

 

“Why don't we go for a walk?”

 

Levi looks back up at Erwin with the question written clearly on his face. “Why?”

 

“You're obviously uncomfortable having me in your personal space like this.”

 

This time, Levi does scoff. It's unnerving to be understood like this, especially after so much time apart. It's an understatement to simply say that Erwin's been tracking him for half of his life, when it clearly goes deeper than just tracking his movements.

 

Erwin is not taking the reaction seriously. “The weather is fair, though warmer than I'm used to. There is something you and I should discuss, preferably in public, before we meet your uncle.”

 

Levi can't stop his brows from shooting up. “What do you mean, preferably in public?”

 

“In private like this,” Erwin waves his hand to indicate the apartment, “I'm afraid things may become heated.”

 

Crossing his arms over his chest, Levi tucks his chin down and shrugs. There's two ways to interpret that sentence, and he's not willing to take a chance on either yet, not when he's so uncertain about Erwin or the man’s plan.

 

“Fine,” he concedes. “Let’s walk.”

 

It's takes a few minutes for Levi to do a few Babydoll related tasks, and then they're on their way out inside. Levi doesn't take his gun, only his phone, wallet, and keys. He half expects Erwin to walk behind him, but they stay side by side under the Miami midmorning sunlight. It's the first Saturday after New Years, and it's still relatively busy from the holidays, so they're far from alone on the streets. The breeze takes Levi's damp hair and flicks it against Erwin's arm while they walk, and after a few moments, Erwin reaches out to tuck it behind Levi's ear as if it's something he does all the time.

 

“It was adorable to watch Judah play with your hair,” Erwin tells him with a smile on his voice.

 

Levi's hands are sweaty fists, his gut is tight and fluttery; all he can do is hum in acknowledgement until he gets his wits enough to say, “He's a cute kid.”

 

“She wanted to name him after you.”

 

Levi glances at Erwin and then chuckles, “I'm sure Mike wasn't having that.”

 

“He wasn't,” Erwin agrees. “When she couldn't name him after you, she let Max choose. Apparently, Levi was the third son of Jacob, and Judah was the fourth. Of the twelve tribes, I think they're the best pair of names.”

 

“Noah and Judah,” Levi murmurs. Nana has two boys but only the little brother lives. “I would have never taken them to care about biblical names.”

 

“That's more Max’s doing than theirs.” And then silence comes between them as they walk down the road, their arms brushing on occasion, the breeze still whipping Levi's hair against Erwin's arm.

 

“I'm never having kids,” Levi offers between them. “If… maybe if I come back, I'll be a good uncle.”

 

“Better than Kenny?”

 

“A fuck ton better.”

 

“He was only doing what he believed to be best for you,” Erwin says quietly as they wait to cross a street.

 

“I never needed him to,” Levi snaps. He doesn't realise he's said it until after the fact, and he knows it gives him away. It tells Erwin what he needs to know, tells him how Levi feels about all of Kenny’s interventions. Worse yet, it’ll tell Erwin that Levi would rather have always stayed, that Levi would rather be in Denver now.

 

Together, they cross the street, and on the other side, Erwin finally speaks. “When you come back, what do you want to change?"

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Between us. What would you want different?”

 

Levi pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and gnaws on it as they finish the length of one block, then two. He likes his autonomy for some aspects of his life, yet hates it for others. Erwin gave him structure and routine, two important factors that brought Levi's anxiety levels down naturally. Here, his anxiety is lowered with alcohol, and the days that he has to spend sober can be unpleasant, to say the least. Levi's got a semblance of routine, but it's not as tight as Erwin's was. It still gives Levi room to fuck around, to drink. He could do without.

 

But why is he entertaining this idea. What happened to killing Erwin? That's been his only hope for so long now, he feels confused without it. If he can't look forward to killing Erwin, then he can look forward to going home with the man, right? But in his head, something tells him it shouldn't be such an easy trade off. Levi's being flaky. He's got to pick a side and stick to it.

 

Yet, the promise of Erwin structuring his life, Erwin giving him what he needs and protecting him from the things he shouldn't see-- it's tempting to keep it the same. As much as he wants to accord Erwin with his life again, Levi finds himself instead saying, “I want some independence.”

 

“How much is some?” Erwin inquires.

 

“It depends. Or… maybe, it changes.”

 

“I guess I'll just have to learn to read that need,” Erwin decides. “What else?”

 

It's painful to have to say it aloud, but it's the one thing Levi remembers wanting so badly when they were together. “I want to be treated like Mike treats Nana. I wanna be able to ask for shit I need.”

 

Erwin's quiet for longer this time, before he finally nods and says, “I'll learn how to do that, too.”

 

It makes Levi's heart flutter again, but at the same time, it resurrects a tendril of his anger, and that's the emotion he chooses to cling to, to feel less pathetic. “Why couldn't you have done that before?”

 

“It's not what you needed then,” Erwin explains simply. As if it's even simple. “You were a mess. You needed absolute control, so I gave it to you. You've gained independence in our time apart, and there's no reason not to honour that growth.”

 

Levi stops and Erwin takes one more step before he stops, too. A few people bump Levi as they continue past, and he sidesteps to land his shoulders against the bricks of the nearest building. Beside him, Erwin leans his back against the bricks, as well, and waits with infectious calmness.

 

His head spins with too many things for him to understand, and his throat burns with desire for tequila. The corner store is just up the road a little further, he could get something to drink if he wanted, and he definitely wants. So with that resolve, Levi pushes off the wall in the direction that he needs to go. Instead of walking at his side, Erwin follows, and the change in proximity has the hair in the back of his neck raising with alarm.

 

This thing with Erwin is fucking with him and he can't stand to think about it for another fucking moment, so he counts his steps or his breaths or the number of people he passes, until he's pushing through the door of the corner store with a jingling bell to announce him.

 

Tino knows him and doesn't check his driver’s license when he pays.

 

“Mind if I?” Levi asks, holding up the bottle of hard lemonade. Tino shrugs like he always does, and Levi twists the cap off and finishes the entire bottle in one go. He drops it in the trash can in his way out of the store.

 

Erwin is sitting on the curb outside, and Levi lets his body drop heavily beside him. He doesn't pull back when Erwin settles one of his large hands on his knee and squeezes it. There's no judgement in the touch, but Levi feels conviction, his mind brings about his own condemnation. Drinking on an empty stomach the morning after getting drunk must be one hell of a red flag. Levi defends himself against the firing squad in his mind: he had no other way to cope when Erwin gave him away.

 

Erwin has claimed responsibility for the last two years apart, but does that make Levi's drinking also his fault? No. Levi made that choice, he knew he shouldn't, but he did anyway. It's his own burden.

 

“You're fucking up my whole world,” Levi mutters at last, and it's a relief for that secret to be shared between them. “You come back, and you just… fuck it up.”

 

“Will you tell me what you're thinking?” As Erwin asks, his thumb strokes along the patella.

 

“Is that an order?” Levi retorts with sarcasm.

 

“No. Though, I would appreciate if you explain it to me, so that I can understand.” There's no undertone that leads Levi to believe Erwin is speaking with anything but assurance.

 

Levi tenses at being given so much power. It's not something he wants, but Erwin is allowing him to choose how they communicate to one another, how much they know. It's frightening. It's responsibility that he's not sure he can take, but if Erwin is giving it, then it must be okay.

 

Several times, Levi tries to start, and he stumbles through half-formed thoughts until he finally catches the ground under himself and lets his words come however they decide. And once it begins, it feels like more and more needs to come out, more needs to be given to Erwin, who takes them all in patient silence and a thumb stroking Levi's knee. He tells Erwin about his drinking, about the loneliness, about how useless he feels without proper structure and missions, about the helplessness that makes him yearn. Then he explains his anger, his confliction, his confusion, how he wants to kill Erwin to move forward with his life. He's laying out his vulnerability on the curb next to the corner store but it feels right, it feels good. It feels long overdue.

 

When he feels his eyes begin to well with tears, Levi brings himself to stop, to catch his breath, and Erwin says nothing. Gives him the time and space he needs to collect his emotions and continue. He tells Erwin how much he's missed him, how he's called out to him in the dark, how he's dreamed of being back in Sina on the sofa together. The house in the mountains where it all began. The basement. Ten years prior, the torture. Levi walks them backward through his own history, until he ends on the most new and tender of his confessions.

 

“I wish you'd kept me back then.” Levi chases a rogue tear as it slips from his eye. He's not going to cry here. He refuses. “I wish I'd always been yours, like you wanted.”

 

He doesn't know how long he talked for, so when the awaited food truck pulls into the parking lot and sets up along the back where there are no cars, Levi is a little surprised. When he checks his phone, he sees that he's talked for ten minutes, and the food truck is actual quite early. It's good they went for that walk, then. The sooner they can get to Kenny.

 

Levi moves to stand but Erwin pats his knee with a, “Let me. What would you like?”

 

“The guy knows me, ask him for my usual.” Levi kicks his legs out in front of himself and stretches them with a grunt. The old bone breaks ache.

 

“Should I get you something to drink that isn't alcoholic?”

 

“Sure,” Levi shrugs. No wonder his words were so freely given. And the fact that he forgot that he even drank should worry him more than it does.

 

He watches Erwin walk over to the truck, trade a few words with owner that Levi can't hear this far away, and then the owner looks around Erwin, to Levi, so he waves. Erwin pays, takes his change and two bottles of water, waits for their order to be prepared, and a few minutes later, he comes back bearing provisions.

 

They sit on the curb together and eat, and Levi focuses on the taste to keep his thoughts from running away. He feels unsafely desperate to know Erwin's thoughts about what's going on in Levi's brain. Even when they're done eating, they share a comfortable silence, and he is oddly contented with it. Levi doesn't feel a need to fill it with more words, or with nervous words that seek to pry an answer out of Erwin.  

 

Eventually, Erwin checks the time on his phone and says, “Let’s head back.”

 

Levi gets up and has to rub out a numb spot in his ass that the concrete dug into. It takes longer to get back to his building, because they move slower. Levi is dying to hear Erwin's response to his confession, but following the man puts him at ease in a way he can't describe. It feels like it should be this way.

 

They're all the way in Levi's apartment, Levi locking the door behind them, when Erwin says, “Do you still believe that I should die?”

 

Levi opens his mouth immediately and then closes it, pauses for a second before he gives a decisive, “No. Not anymore.”

 

“My katze,” Erwin coos, taking a step toward Levi. His hand cups the right side of his face, fingers lingering over the silver-pink keloid of a scar. “Do you want to come back home?”

 

“Yes,” Levi breaths, helpless. Pathetic. He will not survive being broken a third time, and maybe Erwin doesn't even have to do that. Maybe Levi will just surrender his sanity with willingness. “I do, please take me home.”

 

“Are you asking for what you need?”

 

“I'm asking.” Levi shivers when Erwin's hand migrates from jaw to nape, a solid grip of fingertips pinching the base of his skull. He doesn't know what he's doing, what he's thinking. He’s just giving in. “Please.”

 

“No need to beg,” Erwin whispers.

 

;;;

 

They meet Kenny in South Pointe Park during the peak of the day, after they sat in Levi’s apartment and talked for a little bit longer about their history together. Erwin didn't give much away, as far as his thoughts are concerned, and Levi is strangely okay with it. He doesn't know why, or what he's doing, but he's following his gut. He'll go blindly until he figures out what all he wants from the man, but at least now he's certain that he doesn't want to kill Erwin.

 

“Now that you seen the little shit,” Kenny greets them, “still after getting him back?”

 

“Yes.” Erwin's answer is simple but the straightforwardness is telling of desire, and Levi's stomach drops into his ankles because he's certain that Kenny is not going to agree to anything.

 

But Kenny only chuckles. “Ain't nothing I can do with him.”

 

It's not exactly a clear statement, and Erwin must know that. “What would you be interested in trading for custody?”

 

“Custody,” Kenny huffs and laughs his crooked sort of laugh, inhaling only to whistle like he's impressed with a show of stupidity. “You sure about that?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

It takes a great deal of self-discipline for Levi not to look at Erwin in that moment, even though he feels like he _needs_ to see the look in the man’s eyes with his tone so firm.

 

“I'll give ya custody, but I wanna be able to call him here anytime I feel like. Ya know, to check on him and all.”

 

“Alright,” Erwin agrees plainly. “At least seventy-two hours notice.”

 

“Yeah, sure. And,” Kenny holds up his index finger. “We pay your operatives _directly_ for their services. You don't get a cut.”

 

Erwin doesn't even tense, he doesn't even hesitate. “Alright.”

 

Kenny holds his hand out to seal the deal, and Erwin shakes it, but Levi's ire is churning. That's hardly a negotiation, hardly worth coming all this way through the city for. They could have done this over the fucking phone instead of wasting their time. And what makes Levi the most angry is the _ease_ in which Kenny is handing him over. Two fucking years, Kenny's kept Levi under lock and key, hoarding him after taking him from Erwin. And just like that, he's relinquishing that power? What's he hiding, what is he planning?

 

“Why now?” Levi asks his uncle, taking a step closer and lowering his voice.

 

“I ain't got no use for you.” Kenny turns like he means to leave and Levi grabs his arm.

 

“You never sent me anywhere!”

 

“Cause you'd fuck up!” Kenny knocks Levi's hands off of him. “You weren't worth the trouble to me. I ain't Smith, I only tried to help cause we're blood. But you don't want that.”

 

“You're right, I fucking don't.” Levi takes a step back, restlessness igniting in his blood. “Why did it matter before but not now? Why were you so hellbent on keeping me out of Organisation hands?”

 

“For your fucking mother!” Kenny shouts back at him, then lowers his voice. “I was tryin’ to do what she woulda wanted, you ungrateful little shit. She wouldn’t’a wanted you to be this bastard’s lap dog!”

 

“I'm not his lap dog,” Levi seethes.

 

“What, you think ya _loved_ him? And it weren't all bullshit manipulation?” Kenny holds his hands up and flicks them like dismissal. “Get outta here with that shit. You wanna let this bastard use ya ‘nd throw ya away, that ain't none of my _goddamn_ business.”

 

Levi's chest burns and he means it with every ounce of his being when he says, “Stay out of my fucking life.”

 

Kenny scoffs at him and turns to leave. This time, Levi doesn't stop him. “We'll see.”

 

“Let’s go,” Erwin persuades gently. But Levi's watching his uncle retreat, he's not ready to leave. Erwin's got him again, and it feels like it should have been a fight. Two little conditions, that's all Kenny had.

 

“Why was it so easy?” He utters. It's a stinging thing replacing the burn of anger. It's a laceration deep under his skin. It's slicing his aorta. “All this time, and he just… agreed.”

 

“He agreed,” Erwin echoes. “But don't confuse that with surrender. I'm sure he will have a clever plan. In any case, I'm sure he believes that paying our operatives directly will cause some internal discourse.”

 

“I've seen the church books, the ledgers,” Levi offers him. “I know how much you've been getting.”

 

“Don't worry yourself. We’ll manage fine without his contributions.” Erwin turns to face Levi fully. “We've expanded a great deal in Denver. You'll enjoy the atmosphere.”

 

Levi grunts his acknowledgement but otherwise, he doesn't know what to say. He looks around, at the beach and the manicured green grass, at the buildings, and sets off meandering in a direction without a destination. He wonders a little but up the path, to an empty bench facing a fountain, and when he looks behind him, Erwin is still in the same place they met Kenny, though now he's sitting as well. They look to one another, but the distance is great enough that eye contact is not clear.

 

The restlessness Kenny ignited is still coursing through his veins and he plants his elbows in his knees, cradles his head in his hands to try and suppress it. It's all too easy, he thinks. His surrender. Kenny’s surrender. It should have taken more. Why hasn't it taken more?

 

Is he ready for this?

 

The memories are bittersweet; made more bitter by the fact that Erwin promises for things to be different between them. He hasn't touched Levi in a way to indicate whether there will be sex or not. Neither of them have approached that subject. It remains that Erwin is the only person to ever stir Levi's sexuality. Is it something Levi should expect for them to dive back into? Has Erwin found another person to get his pleasure from, and is Levi just too hopeful? Too desperate? He doesn’t want to think about Erwin sleeping with other people, but he knows it’s a possibility-- should it even matter? What’s a fuck worth when there’s the ownership of an entire person’s life?

 

He'll be owned again-- properly. He'll live with Erwin, and take orders. He'll be a proper pet again. Will he be collared? Does Erwin even still have it? A part of him is treacherously hopeful that he does. There's giddiness sloshing around in his gut, and a little stupidity. He's easy. In the span of a week, he's gone from planning to kill Erwin to wanting to go home with Erwin. Just today alone, he’s gone from holding a gun to Erwin’s head, to confessing his jumbled thoughts, to being promised a home with Erwin again. It's _pathetic,_ but if Erwin wants him, then he can _allow_ himself to be pathetic.

 

Looking up and over again, Levi finds Erwin waiting for him patiently, giving him space to think. He needs it, so he takes it. He’s unsure how long he sits on that bench, running over the same thoughts on repeat and finding no new insight, but every time he looks, Erwin is waiting. Levi knows he will wait. He waited ten years just to make his claim. What’s an hour in comparison?

 

His mind keeps returning to the little house in the mountains. Now that he understands the method of Erwin’s manipulation back then, it shouldn’t work on him again… but he wants it to. If it would do away with these doubts, this indecisiveness, Levi would give himself over to the ordeal one more time. One more breaking would be all his mind could handle. There’d be nothing left for the rest of his life but Erwin. Does he want that, or he is romanticising it? Does he really even know what he wants? They’ve been apart for a long time, but how much has Levi truly changed in two years?

 

There was a time when he thought he would never want anything but Erwin, and he finds himself aligning with that once more.

 

Levi sits up, looks again to find Erwin still waiting patiently, so he gets up and makes his way back over.

 

“Ready?” Erwin inquires when Levi stops in front of him.

 

“I don’t know.” And it’s the truth. Levi ducks his head and kicks his shoe against Erwin’s when he asks, “You remember that place you took me to, when you first got me?”

 

“The mountain estate.” Erwin leans forward and takes Levi by the hips, pulling him between spread knees.

 

“Yeah.” Levi looks down into Erwin’s face, into both eyes, though only one sees him. Carefully, he brings his hands up to cup his face, his thumb gentle as he memorises the texture of the scarring on the lid. That’s what Kenny did, with Levi’s identification tags. If Erwin has gotten rid of the collar because of that, then Levi wouldn’t blame him. Levi kisses the blind eye and Erwin’s hands squeeze him impossibly closer. It’s not a loud display of affection, but between them, it is deafening. It speaks of trust and loyalty and forgiveness. It speaks of want. Of surrender.

 

“What about it, darling?” Erwin’s question is warm on Levi’s throat, and even though the weather is sunny and clear, Levi shivers.

 

“Can you,” and Levi moves so that his mouth hovers over Erwin’s own, “take me back there?”

 

“Is that what you need?” Erwin tilts his chin up so that their lips brush chastely. It’s not a kiss. Not yet.

 

“I need to get rid of these doubts. I want to feel…” Levi trails off, because he’s not sure how to describe it. “I just want to feel certain again. Take me back to where we began.”

 

“I will,” Erwin promises. So many promises and Levi knows, like he knows his own name, he knows that Erwin does not lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in honour of me fucking up on life, have this two days early *finger guns*


	4. To Invoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short update, i feel like if i sit on this any longer, i'll scrap it altogether. 
> 
> warnings: sexual content, mental instability.

The first proper morning in Denver, they had hardly run down the streets and out of the neighbourhood when Levi had slowed to a stop and doubled over, gasping. Now, he can at least make it a mile. He thought he’d kept up on his exercise well enough in the last two years, but he hasn’t had a workout since before Christmas and his body is feeling it.

 

“It’s the altitude,” Erwin tells him, jogging back over to him.

 

“Sure,” Levi gasps. He knows his drinking has affected his muscles, too. He’s lost a lot of the tone that he gained before, but it’s nothing that a few months back on a proper circuit can’t fix, and Levi’s pretty sure Erwin’s not going to let him have another drop to drink. The man hasn’t said anything about it, but the lack of acknowledgment is plenty.

 

Levi doesn't remember what he was expecting when they arrived at Denver Airport late on Sunday night, but it definitely didn't involve spending an entire week sorting out Organisation affairs, let alone that Erwin would have a real government job that he goes to during the day. Part of him thought that Erwin might take him directly to Sina, but that clearly wasn't the case. In the meantime, he's been trying to exercise to adjust to the lack of oxygen and to work his body back into the level of fitness it was in two years ago, and he regrets falling out of the stringent routine.

 

Erwin is nine years older but he's kept up his training so he can practically lap Levi if he wants.

 

“How about weights instead?” Levi asks, genuinely not wanting to attempt running past his new personal best. He’s never been fond of vomiting.

 

“If you don't mind doing it alone.” Erwin stretches his arms over his head and rolls into a calf raise seamlessly, his balance impeccable. “You know where they're at, I'll let you in when I'm back.”

 

“Fine,” Levi grumbles. Erwin stays around long enough to hear that, and then he starts jogging off.

 

Levi's old bone breaks ache when he takes the short way back to Erwin’s house. He walks around to the backyard then up onto the porch, but instead of opening the chest with the free weights, Levi sits atop it and lets his head fall, and that’s where he is still at when Erwin joins him just a few minutes later. They sit in silence, side by side, until Erwin cups his knee.

 

“Are you unsure about going up?”

 

Instead of answering, Levi leans his head against Erwin’s shoulder. There’s a flutter in his stomach, an uneasiness that he cannot pin down. Some absurd cross between excitement, anticipation, and dread, though the dread feels tertiary.

 

“Maybe.”

 

Erwin squeezes his knee in response, and as proof of how well he remembers Levi’s body, he slides his hand down to massage the long-healed bone. There were times before when Erwin did this. The touch feels as good as it always has.

 

“With the weather moving in, we will take up a generator and a space heater. The usual January blizzard is late this year.”

 

“It wanted to make this a romcom cliche,” Levi jokes quietly, gut clenching with strange anticipation. “Snowed in, no power, one bed. Inevitable fucking.”

 

“Inevitable?” Erwin tilts his own head so that his cheek rests on the noirette’s crown. They’ve fallen into touching one another with a level of ease and comfort that feels strange but welcomed. There’s a relief in being able to reach out to Erwin whenever he wants, to initiate the level of contact that he wants, simply because he wants it. “I’m a gentlemen, katze.”

 

Levi presses himself to Erwin’s side. Now that he’s stopped moving, he’s starting to feel the wintry bite in the air. There’s no need for manners; they only make Levi want to beg.

 

Being in a proper house with Erwin has spurred such sickeningly sweet domesticity. Shared chores, shared meals, shared bedtimes. Thoughtful gestures, however small, like steeping a second cup of tea. Working with Erwin on Organisation matters is one hell of a catch-up, too, from the rankings to the operatives list to the massive amount of expansion. Sitting beside Erwin and aiding him, Levi gets the impression that Sina was years and years’ worth of practice so that when Erwin came to Denver, he would be capable of handling it. Levi still doesn’t know a lot about the man, about what vision he has, and even though Levi _can_ seek answers to his questions, he finds himself rather wanting to watch quietly, because there's nothing to learn that would scare him away.

 

;;;

 

The sky is overcast when they leave Denver, and shortly after, the rain begins to fall in a drizzle, and that drizzle becomes a pelting rain in no time. They’re just crossing into Wyoming when the temperature drops enough that snowflakes are falling, and by the time they pull into the King Sooper’s parking lot in the outskirts of Sina, snow is accumulating.

 

“Let’s be quick,” Erwin says, pushing his arms through the sleeves of his coat. Levi adjusts the high collar of his sweatshirt-- the same one Erwin gave him almost three years ago, the same one that Erwin kept hold of, waiting. Levi’s glad he kept it, mostly because he didn’t have one of his own, but also because of the nostalgia woven through the threads ties him closer to Erwin.

 

They head straight to the canned soups, then a little further down, to the canned children’s pasta, and Levi can feel his stomach lurch. He hated this shit as a kid, and he hated it in the house in the mountains, when it was fed to him almost daily.

 

“No?” Erwin looks down at Levi, though his fingers hover on the rim of one can, ready to slip it into the hand basket that Levi carries.

 

“No,” Levi agrees. They settle on a few family-sized condensed coups, then a loaf of texas toast, some eggs, and fresh vegetables and fruits. Altogether, it’s not much, but it’ll get them through the weekend. The storm will clear up by tomorrow night, and they’ll head home the morning after. Erwin’s employment runs steadily Monday through Friday, and to Levi, it's still so strange that Erwin works a normal job, with _colleagues,_ in an _office._ It's to aid his infiltration, Levi knows, but it's still strange. He has to spend so much time home alone right now, until he finds a task that he likes, as well as one Erwin approves of. He won't be simply ordered into a job, Erwin is giving him a say because he wants a say, and Levi knows the moment he asks to be _given_ an assignment instead, that Erwin will do it.

 

Levi already thinks of Erwin’s house as his home, and it feels oddly… correct. It feels to Levi like there should have never been this divide between them, but at the same time, Levi enjoyed having his own apartment again. He's greedy and he wants both, but he knows he prefers to cohabitate. In a less optimistic corner of his mind, he acknowledges how much easier it will be to reawaken his codependency this way…

 

It takes another hour’s drive after their grocery shopping for them to get to the tiny cottage. Erwin parks his truck close to the side of the house that will block out the most snow, that way the vehicle won't be snowed in. Levi carries the grocery bags and the pile of bedding while Erwin slings a duffle over his shoulder.

 

The thermostat has already been set to something tolerable, though the house is still chilly inside.

 

“Katze, will you make the bed for us?” Erwin swings open the small closet in the single bedroom and takes a neat little stack of sheets from one shelf. It's the same red as before. Levi's breath catches in his chest. One bed and they'll be sharing it, even though Levi has his own room at Erwin's house, here they will _share_ like they used to, and Levi allows the curling in his pelvis to fester until he has to stifle his spike of desire by focusing on his breathing.

 

Erwin lays out their changes of clothing on the desk while Levi acquiesces the requested chore, and when they're done, they move to turn up the temperature on the water heater and do a few other necessary tasks to make the mountain estate a little more hospitable.

 

Sitting at the same table that they did years ago, they have a small meal of toast and soup, then wash their dishes and put them in the rack to dry. Through the window over the sink, Levi watches the snow coming down.

 

“Last chance,” Erwin says to him. “It’ll be too dangerous to drive for the rest of the night. We’ll be snowed in until tomorrow at the earliest.”

 

“I wanna be here.” Levi turns his eyes up to Erwin’s but it feels like too much, so he looks away quickly.

 

Maybe it's a memory eroded by time, but Levi doesn't remember how lacking the mountain estate is for entertainment, although a part of him will acknowledge that back then, _Erwin_ had been his sole focus and was occupying enough in his thoughts. He probably doesn't remember needing anything else to supplement, because he spent all of his time watching Erwin, thinking of Erwin, or succumbing to his anxiety.

 

Now, they sit on opposite ends of the small love seat, Levi's knees up and toes tucked under one of Erwin’s thighs, one of Erwin's claiming hands grasping an ankle. They're on their phones together, and it's such a novelty to Levi to have this interaction, especially compared to before, and it's so fucking _normal_ that he has no idea what to think of it. To make it that much more confusing, Erwin's been touching him like this since he came back to Denver with him. Big hands spread out, never grabbing with a deliberate grip, just hands resting on Levi's body, hands like they're meant to serve as a reminder of ownership, like a long-lost security blanket found and worn constantly to prevent being lost again. As if Levi could ever forget.

 

“How's your signal?” Levi asks idly. He's trying to load the web browser bookmark of Mikasa’s instagram and it's taking a long time but not timing out yet. It's supposed to be a distraction from the growing, twisting feeling in his lower gut.

 

“We’re a bit far from Sina,” Erwin acknowledges. “It's less than ideal.”

 

Levi doesn't look down at his phone before he locks it and lets it slip from his hand and onto the floor, a sudden desire born of circumstance and stupid courage. The sound of his phone thumping on the rug doesn't startle Erwin, but he looks over with a clear question in his eyes and Levi does not have an answer because Levi barely understands it. Within himself, it feels like an unfed frenzy is bubbling up and the carnal instincts are telling him to gorge.

 

Fearlessly, Levi slips down from the love seat and onto his knees, not taking his eyes off Erwin as he invites himself between spread knees. He settles his hands on Erwin's hips and leans in, nuzzling at the bulgeless front zipper. All the while, Erwin watches, strangely impassive but interested, as if he doesn't intend to stop him.

 

“Erwin,” Levi breathes like he needs it to live. He's been gone for two years and in the last week, Erwin hasn't made any advances besides the claiming hands, he's only touched Levi with his hands spread wide, but Levi needs more, he _needs_ to bring Erwin inside himself, to feel _one_ with his man again. It's absolutely burning at him now, rising out of his guts and spilling into his lungs like aspirated vomit because he fucking _needs._

 

A hand settles on his crown, fingers spread, and Erwin slowly brings his fingers into a fist, hair caught and at his mercy. He pulls Levi's head up and the bubbling fire frenzy extinguishes into a calm, trusting lust.

 

“Darling boy,” Erwin says with that edge of admonishment that brings Levi clear memories of being told over and over not to beg like a bitch in heat. But Erwin is true to his word because he never, _ever_ lies, and it's different this time, just as they have negotiated. He can seek this now, he doesn't have to wait, and it's thrilling in how _wrong_ it feels. “Don't forget to ask for what you need.”

 

“I need you inside me,” Levi murmurs, pushing his head up into the hand holding his hair. “Please.”

 

“Please,” Erwin echoes. “What do you want inside you? My tongue, my fingers, or my cock?”

 

“Your cock,” Levi answers a little too quickly yet there's no tugging in discipline. It's okay, he remembers, to ask.

 

Erwin hums and releases his hold, and Levi sidles back up close to the groin before him. This time, when Levi presses his nose in, Erwin’s hand acquaints with his nape, a comforting weight.

 

“You can suck my cock, okay, my sweet boy?” Erwin agrees, though he's still soft under Levi's affection.

 

In a heady rush, Levi nods, fingers moving deftly to Erwin's jeans and undoing them. Erwin, meanwhile, gives no assistance to Levi's attempt at undressing him, but Levi's got that hot boiling blood, he gets Erwin's cock out without wasting too much time. Interest is stirring, and he licks his lips at the sight of Erwin in his hands, but before he can settle the circumcised head on his tongue, a fistful of his hair is tugged again, something clearly displeased radiating in the amount of pressure.

 

“Manners, katze,” Erwin admonishes with a tone brimming with low adoration, with desire, too. Erwin wants him but Erwin still wants him to behave. “Beg me, like a good boy.”

 

For a moment, Levi wants to scoff and get up and forget the whole thing, but there's a way Erwin says it, like he wants it just as bad as Levi does, and it makes the noirette swallow dryly.

 

“Please… please, Erwin,” Levi hesitates, looking up through his lashes. If he were going to back down, this is his final opportunity, but instead, he dives in. If he doesn't do this now... “Can-- _may_ I suck your cock?”

 

The hand in his hair releases, and Erwin leans forward, bringing both hands to Levi's messy bun, undoing the hair tie and letting black strands fall down in large waves. By habit, Levi shakes his head to help his hair settle, but he doesn't run his fingers through it-- doesn't want to let go of Erwin’s cock because he's afraid it'll disappear, and that's fine because his man does it for him instead. Fingers catch a few knots but Levi’s hiss is born of masochism.

 

He's dreamed of it, of the things Erwin used to do to him. The things Erwin made him do. A clear memory of Erwin watching him masturbate jumps into his mind and makes his own dick surge.

 

When Erwin doesn't reply to Levi's small plea, Levi gives a gentle squeeze of his fingers, begging properly now, “Please, Erwin, I need it. I need to be… _with_ you again. I-- I need it. I've missed you, I've missed your cock, I need it, I…”

 

“Need it,” Erwin echoes in a saccharine coo. “You haven't had anyone inside you for so long, and you're so, _so_ hungry. I'll feed you, sweet boy. I'll give you what you need.”

 

Levi can't stop the gasp at hearing this reaffirmed by the man above him. No, there's only even been Erwin and Levi wants no other. The few times that he's given into his desperation and touched himself, he's been rolling his hips with Erwin's name chanted on his lips, only able to bring himself to climax by imaging Erwin giving the orgasm to him. Just being on his knees between Erwin's own, one large hand resting in his nape, is enough to bring him to the edge.

 

The distance between them is small, so Erwin leans down just a little further, his lips at the scar of Levi's missing right ear, to breathily rumble, “Show me how badly you need to be fucked, you desperate, wonderful boy.”

 

He can't even recognise the choked sound he makes but it doesn't matter because Erwin must want it. Carefully, Levi gets up so that his angle is good, and he brings the swelling head to his mouth. Hesitantly, he lets his tongue dart out, touching tip to slit, and then slides his tongue along the warm flesh until it slips into his mouth. He tucks his teeth behind his lips and the feeling of Erwin in him, in his _fucking mouth,_ makes him feel high and depraved.

 

“That's it, katze,” Erwin murmurs, both large hands coming to frame Levi's face, palms eclipsing cheeks, fingers meeting around the back of his skull.

 

He goes down on the dry inches of Erwin's length until it's all in, and Erwin’s moan coincides with a lively twitch, and then his cock is filling with blood rapidly, forcing Levi to pull back and off to breathe.

 

“Good boy.” Gently, Erwin coaxes him forward and Levi doesn't push back against the guiding hands. The first few bobs of Levi's head are unsteady, uncertain, unpracticed, but Erwin makes noises as if it's the best blowjob he's ever received and Levi’s face grows hot.

 

He pulls off to say lowly, “Don't fake it. I'm not that good.”

 

From one instant to the next, Levi knows only terrible pain and he cries out as Erwin pinches his jaw, thumb and forefinger digging in, pressing the delicate flesh of his cheeks into his teeth without holding back.

 

“You may _ask_ me for things, boy,” and Erwin's breath is sending shivers down his spine, “but you will _never_ tell me what to do.”

 

Unbidden, Levi whimpers his surrender, and Erwin, always so merciful with him, releases his hold. “I'm sorry,” tumbles from his mouth before he can stop himself, and in return, Erwin cups his chin with gentle fingers.

 

“It's alright, darling. We’re both learning. This is new.” Erwin leans down and kisses Levi's forehead, then nose, and settles over his spit-slick lips, brushing as he whispers, “Continue now, katze.”

 

“Okay.” Levi is barely audible. He looks up at Erwin with a shuddering breath, doesn't break the eye contact as he leans back in with the help of guiding hands on his skull, taking Erwin’s head in his mouth and sliding down as far as he can go in one motion. Only when Erwin hits the back of his throat, making him gag, does Levi squeeze his eyes closed, needing to focus on not vomiting.

 

Erwin's getting big just like Levi remembers, throbbing almost, and Levi feels even more silly for his comment. Maybe he's not that bad at this. Levi swallows down some spit to calm his gag reflex and then he lowers again, getting to the same point before he has to pull up to breath and prevent coughing. He establishes a rhythm of lazy, learning movements, the extra spit that doesn't end up slathered on Erwin is collecting in his caverns of his mouth. Any time Levi opens his eyes, Erwin is watching him closely, a little colour coming into his reserved yet blissful face. Their eyes meet and Levi feels so vulnerable like this, on his knees, cock in his mouth, Erwin holding him, guiding his movements without forcing him, Erwin just _watching_ him and giving sounds of approval.

 

Just as Levi is getting the hang of it, Erwin throws him off by saying, “There's been no one since you, Levi; you're so good for me, baby,” and it's so fucking intimate that Levi moans and takes the entire length in one accidental swallow that he quickly pulls off from. Erwin’s hands tighten momentarily before relaxing.

 

To Levi, it sounds like the room thunders with the wet sucking, smacking noises of his mouth being used, thunders with Erwin’s breathing, the raggedness of Levi's own breathing through his nose, learning how to suck cock without suffocating himself.

 

Above him, Erwin sinks further into the sofa, his knees spreading by reflex in the face of pleasure.

 

“Can you take me deeper?” Erwin encourages, stopping his hips from jerking up into Levi's mouth without permission-- always so considerate, so thoughtful.

 

Levi doesn't speak, nods instead, and takes a deep breath before sinking down. Again, when Erwin's head hits tonsils, Levi's body wants to cause a ruckus, but he subdues himself, concentrating on the guiding hands and the odd sensation of being too full. It makes him lightheaded, not just because of the lack of oxygen, but the way Erwin's mouth falls open a little bit, Levi feels just as lost. Is he really doing this the right way? Does it feel good for Erwin, does it make him glad to have Levi back?

 

“Here. Katze,” Erwin says suddenly, slipping one hand around the base of his cock, grasping Levi's chin in his other. When Levi goes to pull back from a bob, Erwin frees his cock from Levi’s mouth to give it four firm pumps, and before Levi realises what's happening, he has to close his eyes to keep cum out of them.

 

It's been a while for Erwin, and it has probably been just as long for Levi, too, judging by the way the splash of Erwin’s load on his face pushes him into his own orgasm. He gasps with the surprise, and some drops of Erwin get into his mouth and he licks them up gratefully before he registers the taste and scowls. He's cum in his pants, untouched, like a fucking teenager-- pathetic. But something about Erwin has always let him feel safe in being his true, pathetic self.

 

The silence that follows makes Levi squirm, and Erwin must read it correctly because he excuses himself just long enough to come back with a small towel. Levi holds still while Erwin cleans him, and he’s pleasantly surprised by the kiss that Erwin presses to his forehead when the task is done.

 

“Thank you, katze.”

 

Levi opens his eyes to look up at Erwin, who is leaning close, and he takes the chance to bring himself upward to kiss his man’s chin. With guarded eyes, Erwin watches, and then he lowers his chin, as if giving permission, so Levi kisses his mouth. They watch one another during the chaste pressing of lips, a moment so unbearably intimate that when they part, Levi pushes his face into Erwin’s chest. Arms come around him, bringing Levi in closer, and maybe it’s the drop, but Levi feels something bulge and snap inside of him.

 

“I wish you’d kept me,” he says. The embraces pulses with brief tightness around him.

 

“I do, too.” Erwin’s mouth is in his hair, hot on his scalp. “I do, too.”

 

“I know,” Levi starts, then closes his mouth, starts again, “I know it was to save my life, but. But.”

 

“Shhh,” Erwin soothes and Levi feels himself sinking down with the knowledge of his attempted confession.

 

He can’t keep this to himself, though. He needs to tell Erwin, so he pulls out of the embrace until he’s meeting Erwin’s eyes, one blue as ever, the other lost, a cloudy swirl, a price paid for daring to own Levi. With a confidence that he never knew he could possess in Erwin’s presence, Levi declares, “I would rather die.”

 

Whatever walls Erwin keeps up begin to crack, first with the furrow of his brows, then the disbelieving chuckle, then a rare grin. In his eyes, there’s love and devotion and Levi finds himself drowning there, wanting to meet his end in this man’s gaze. Erwin has waited for so long, and he’s been waiting patiently for his boy to belong to him. “Levi. Do you mean that? You would rather die?”

 

“I would.” Levi feels giddiness bouncing through him. All the memories clamor for his attention and he lets them wash over him in an overwhelming rush that leaves him feeling certain in what he is about to say. “I don’t care if it’s unhinged, I only want to be with you. No matter what.”

  
  
  



	5. To Conjure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hit a wall with trying to get Levi to talk to me, and then Erwin came in, sat down, and began to speak. So here's some Erwin POV.   
> Warnings: general content and some manipulation.

 

Two years ago, Erwin would have basked in Levi’s words, but now, they prod at a protectiveness within him. All of the conditioning Levi went through is still very much threaded through his brain, and despite the two years apart, it’s taken so little time to squeeze the noirette back into his rightful role like this, for Erwin to wrap that thread around his finger and tug. 

 

He’s been playing with Levi in these last couple of weeks, and hearing Levi declare that he would rather die, Erwin is just now admiring all the damage done. It would be so easy, a week in the basement, alone and starving in the dark, and he would truly have his katze back. He could have his good and eager boy, as if no time had passed at all, as if they had never been apart. He did a  _ very  _ good job on Levi. It’s probably best that this is his one and only pet. Nile has never managed to produce such a steadfast creature, but then again, Nile has never given so much of himself over with his projects. Yet, Levi is so much more than a project. Erwin has put nearly thirteen years into him, and Levi is  _ still _ so receptive to his affection, to the words and touches that he'd been deprived of for years. There’s no comparison when his pet is so much more superior than anything Nile built.

 

Sunday, they flew back into Denver and Erwin assigned Levi to the bedroom right next to the master. The next morning, Nanaba was off work and so Levi hung around her, helping with housework and keeping an eye on Judah. On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, he stayed home alone and stewed in loneliness that made him cling to Erwin in the evenings. Every morning, Erwin asked Levi to exercise with him; small steps to bring him in closer, because the anger is still there, hibernating for winter, and no matter what, the reconditioning spring will revive it.

 

What’s he going to do with this boy? It’s wondrous to witness Levi’s slow unravelling once more, this time not to break him, but to simply expose the boy Erwin made him into. From the moment he’d seen Levi in Mike’s house, Erwin could tell that Levi was the same, only angry and rightfully so. He could see his boy beneath the protective layers that anger and alcohol had given him, and he knows the last seven sober days have been a trial for his boy, but Levi is tolerating the change. There’s a small amount of tequila out in the truck, and maybe he should allow Levi to have that hidden drink under direct supervision. He wonders what Levi turns into when he's soothed his aches and pains and runaway-train brain. 

 

“Seal it with a kiss, darling,” Erwin murmurs, finding purchase against willing lips that taste like his own pleasure. He would not have let Levi wrap those lips around his cock had he known this disaster of a boy is so unstable.

 

The latch to the basement is right  _ there _ and Erwin could have his katze unearthed in a weekend’s time. Isn’t that why Levi asked to come here, after all? To be taken to the place where they began? And why not, other than to start over?

 

“Let’s shower,” Erwin says when he lifts his mouth away from Levi’s. Grey eyes showcase disappointment for a moment, until Erwin is whispering, “I want to see you.”

 

Allowing Levi to drink in the sight of his nakedness, Erwin does the same to him. Levi’s hair is a little bit longer when it’s wet. Two years of diligent care can be snipped away if Erwin suggests it be cut, but he finds that he likes the way it makes Levi look untamed, so he massages Levi’s scalp and tells him that he’s done well in letting it grow out like this. Predictably, Levi preens for him, and he shouldn’t encourage this dependency so soon. He should do the  _ healthy _ thing, he should give Levi time to continue unlearning the old conditioning and instead learn the  _ new _ dynamic between them... but there’s always going to be many things that Erwin should do.

 

Erwin drags the space heater into the bedroom and they climb under the covers together, toes icy in just a few minutes between bathroom and bed. The whole while, Levi is quietly pliant, letting himself be directed with a beautiful eagerness to please. Erwin can’t help but encourage this. It’s too sweet to turn away.

 

Laying on his back, he coaxes Levi chest to chest, the waterfall of damp hair escaping over one shoulder so that a pale throat is exposed and vulnerable, thrumming, leading to that familiar silver-pink keloid. Erwin's mark on his body.

 

“If I’d gotten to keep you when you were fourteen,” Erwin says, long overdue. He should have stopped Levi and explained things before letting his boy lap between his legs. “I know that I would have made you a weapon regardless.”

 

Levi hums, resting his cheek over Erwin’s heart, so he cups the open side of his face, thumb at lips, stroking.

 

“I only briefly considered programming you. We would have given you a goal, someone to kill after embedding you in an opportunity. You were fourteen, so you’d still be considered a child in most cases of murder, especially one where you felt suddenly, inexplicably compelled to kill. And then other times, I think about how much I prefer you coming back to me as an adult.” Erwin presses a thumb between lips and a shy tongue greets it. “I wouldn’t have been able to love you like this if I’d kept you at fourteen.”

 

Erwin takes in a deep breath. “I know it’s selfish of me to think this way when you had to heal alone. You faced foster rejections. You were all alone, my sweet darling, and I wish I could have been there to comfort you, but this is better. I’m not your father figure. I am your owner, your master, your lover, and you are my beloved.”

 

Above him, Levi shifts, chin digging into Erwin’s pectoral uncomfortably. “I would have grown up with you. I wouldn’t be a kid forever. It’s not like you’re some pedophile.”

 

“You wouldn’t be a kid forever, but I might have always seen you that way if you grew to adulthood directly under my hand. I’m older than you, I was already an adult.”

 

“I don’t think it’s that complicated.” Levi sighs down. “I know I would have still loved you like this.”

 

“And I would have left you pining.”

 

“Does it matter if I’d been  _ yours, _ no matter how? Being with you is enough sometimes.”

 

Humming for response, Erwin decides to answer vaguely so as not to imply rejection. “But there’s no changing it now. This is how I have you. Put your fantasies aside.”

 

“You have me,” Levi agrees. “I just wish… it would have been longer.”

 

“We’ll have our whole lives. I promise, my darling katze.”

 

In response, Levi pushes his forehead into Erwin’s breastbone and sighs, a sound of contentedness. Erwin cups the back of his head. 

 

“Kenny’s check-ins,” Levi starts, then stops, biting his bottom lip for a moment of thought. “For Kenny’s check-ins, I want to decide if I go or not. I don’t want you to order me.”

 

“What makes you want that responsibility?”

 

“I mean.” Levi rubs his forehead into Erwin’s chest as if he’s scratching an itch. “That’s not breaking the deal you made. If I’m the one that refuses to go, then it’s not your fault.”

 

“He’ll expect me to order you.”

 

“Too bad. You can’t order me in this. I’m deciding that it’s mine. It’s mine to decide what control you have, remember?”

 

“Cleverness is new on you,” Erwin murmurs into soft hair. “I’m afraid my standing with Kenneth is a little more complicated than that.”

 

Levi shrugs, a movement that leaves him momentarily unbalanced until he surrenders and slides sideways, plopping quietly onto the bed. “It’s not that clever. I know you’ve thought it up.”

 

“I had not yet given that much thought to your uncle’s checks, aside from what an inconvenience they would be.”

 

“Really?” Incredulous, suspicious.

 

“I’ve also thought about refusing him,” Erwin offers. “But I think it’ best play along with it for now.”

 

“But if I’m the one refusing-- wait, make him tell me directly.” Climbing onto Erwin’s chest and leaning over to grab his phone from the nightstand, checking something, explaining to Erwin, “He’ll call you, so just tell him that he has to deal with me only.”

 

Erwin was expecting Kenny to call sometime during the past week, to make custody of Levi a troublesome thing, to make Levi run back and forth between Denver and Miami just for the sake of it, not for any actual concern. There’s a reason Kenny was so easy to negotiate with, and while Erwin has his speculations, he’s not ready to act on any of them yet. 

 

“Perhaps,” he finally says, bringing his fingers to brush over Levi’s cheek on their way into his hair. Running his hand down the length of it, Erwin brings the ends up to his lips and kisses them. He’s getting used to Levi having this. Back at his home, when he’d spy Levi in the early mornings making tea with a tousled mess of waves around him, he’d been overwhelmed with the desire to sit the boy between his knees and brush it out for him. He’ll work up to that point with Levi again, in time. He can see the way Levi reacts when he touches his hair, like he’s dying for more praise and acknowledgment, and Erwin wants to use that like a lure, slowly reeling Levi in. 

 

“Erwin,” Levi whispers, shifting until his lips find the man’s chin. Against it, “How much control do you want over me?”

 

“Why are you asking me?”

 

Levi shifts again, this time in a half-shrug, timid hands coming to grasp Erwin’s shoulders. In the glow of the space heater, he looks uncertain. 

 

“If you’re unsure about your decisions, katze--”

 

“It’s not quite that,” Levi interrupts. “It’s that… I dunno. It’s that I’m not used to this. Fuck, it doesn’t feel like I was gone for so long, and I keep expecting you to have complete control. I like making some choices, but…”

 

Erwin rolls them so that he’s pushing Levi into the bed, noticing the way Levi spreads his legs with a little rut of his hips, but not addressing it. “How much autonomy do you want, darling?”

 

“Like I told you, I _ want _ things to be different, but this feels  _ too _ different.”

 

“Is this not what you want?”

 

“I do, I really fucking do.” Levi tosses his head back into the pillow and loops his arms around Erwin’s neck. His body clearly remembers other times when Erwin pressed him down like this, times of passion and heat and sweat, and his brain wants to catch up. “I want this independence.”

 

Erwin understands what this is about. “You don’t need to be afraid. You can have your independence, but I will always be in charge. I will have the last word. You belong to me, and I’ll take care of you.”

 

Levi’s body relaxes down and he looks up at Erwin with naked relief in his eyes. “Okay.”

 

“Okay,” Erwin agrees, lowering to nip at parting lips. This boy is in his hands, and in the safe cradle of Erwin’s palm, he is free to move and do as he pleases. Settling down on his side again, Erwin pulls his boy closer, and Levi shifts, making a little spoon of himself, lacing his fingers through Erwins and knotting their hands together. Their whole lives are interwoven with a thread dyed red by Erwin’s own doing. Where one ends, the other begins. Levi cannot go anywhere that Erwin will not drag him back from, and Erwin will show this sweet boy that he should not worry his sweet little head about choices, choices that Erwin knows will be given back to him in time.

 

He kisses Levi’s nape, and there’s a sleepy mumble in response, so Erwin settles his forehead on the blade of a shoulder. Together, they drift.

 

;;;

 

When his phone rings in the middle of the night, Erwin opens his eyes but otherwise does not move. Deep in his ribs, Levi snores softly, dead to the world. He didn’t use to sleep this way except unsafely drugged, and Erwin worries for this change. Maybe after two years of drinking himself to sleep, his boy’s brain has decided that there is merit in the trenches of slumber. Erwin lets him have this peace for now. There will be insomnia soon, and a resurgence of his anxiety, if he continues to abstain.

 

Once the glow of the ringing phone dies and leaves them in that mountain-brand of impenetrable darkness, Erwin slowly untangles Levi out of his side. He brushes his fingers over the hallow cheek, the intact shell of a pale ear, through waves of soft blackness that his eyes cannot even detect. This boy is a wondrous thing, a true gift. He wants to protect Levi with every beat of his heart, but Levi wants to keep some control over himself, and while Erwin will honour that desire for independence, he knows that Levi will come back with a request for Erwin to supersede. It’s worth waiting for, to have Levi  _ ask _ for Erwin’s full control again, because Erwin knows his boy will. His boy abhors choice. The last choice he’ll make will be to surrender, to seek the total power exchange, and then Erwin will lock the transport chain around his neck until he earns his collar once more.

 

Erwin looks at the number on his screen: Kenny. He holds his phone in his palm, counting Levi’s quiet breaths, and when a few minutes pass without a voicemail alert, Erwin slides his thumb over the screen to redial.

 

_ “Hey,” _ Kenny answer roughly on the first ring.  _ “How’s my fucking nephew?” _

 

“He’s well.” Erwin clears his throat. “What do you need?”

 

_ “Good, ‘cause I’m callin’ him back. Need ‘im here Monday, pronto. That a problem?” _

 

“You’ll have to inform Levi directly,” Erwin says. “I’m not with him at the moment.”

 

_ “Well, his phone ain’t ringin’ so I’m tellin’  _ you.”

 

“Try contacting him later. Whether or not he submits to the check is up to him.”

 

_ “Smith, I swear, ya better make that boy--” _

 

“I don’t make him do anything, anymore, Kenneth,” Erwin says politely. “Levi informed me that he wanted autonomy. I have given it to him.”

 

_ “Fucker,” _ Kenny swears, and hangs up abruptly. Erwin smiles to himself as he turns Levi’s phone off. When he sinks back down into bed, Levi curls into him again.

 

;;;

 

The white landscape gives Levi a dead, grey wash to his skin, makes the bags under his eyes deeper, darker. He’s keeping pace with Erwin as they hike through the fresh piles of snow and up the hill behind the tiny house, but he’s breathing hard with the effort. Erwin waits for him to catch his breath at the top, tells him, “Your uncle called.”

 

“I know,” Levi huffs, trying to wet his throat. “I woke up a little bit.”

 

“I told him to deal with you.”

 

“Yeah,” Levi says, a few panting breaths, and then, “thank you. For turning my phone off, too.”

 

When Erwin is ready to keep moving, he holds out a hand in offering, and Levi takes it, doing his best to keep the grip from going taut. Three years ago, when Erwin was still racing closer to the ten-year finish line, this boy was thin but strong, and now, Levi is gaunt in a weak way. Alcoholism has eaten him away to almost nothing. He’s lost all of his muscle and any fat he had, and Erwin won’t give him a choice in the matter of his health, because Erwin knows that Levi cannot manage this by himself. There’s work cut out for Erwin to get him back up to that, it’ll take months upon months of steady exercise and good diet. He knows his boy has been surviving primarily on the calories that come alongside alcohol, he knows Levi’s secluded himself up tight in his apartment on the thirteenth floor. 

 

The house is becoming a small spot in the sea of snowy white when Levi speaks up. “Why Denver?”

 

“‘Why Denver’ what?” Erwin asks back without hesitation.

 

Levi is quiet for a few moments before he pulls his hand from Erwin’s grip and stops. He doesn’t have a proper coat like Erwin, so he’s wrapped up in a heavy wool blanket, his waves of black hair down loose where it’s tucked under the blanket, and he rushes to hide his cold hand back inside the protection and warmth the blanket offers. “Why move the Organisation down to Denver?”

 

“More opportunity,” Erwin answers immediately. “It’s easier to achieve our goal in a major city.”

 

“But what’s the goal? You guys haven’t done anything in years. You’re just, like, some fucking mercenaries now.” Levi looks behind them, then all around, trying to gauge something out in the open expanse of Wyoming countryside. “Do you… you know, still fight for the people, or whatever?”

 

Erwin understands Levi’s question now. “Of course. This dormant period has allowed our roots to grow further, deeper. We’ll have the strength to successfully coup soon. But why do you refer to the Organisation as if you’re not one of us?”

 

“Am I one of you?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

Levi looks to Erwin again, something in his eye contact that breaks with the shiver that rips through him. “What are you gonna have me do?”

 

“You’re going to get yourself back in shape, first and foremost,” Erwin says, allowing his clear displeasure at Levi’s physical condition to colour his tone, admiring the way his boy flinches back. “Have you decided where you want to work? That will determine the majority of your duties for now.”

 

“I dunno, the bakery, I guess. I was there before.”

 

“Nanaba is there now, and a captain.”

 

“Yeah…” Levi trails off, turning again, looking down the slope of the hill. “Why’d you give her rank? She was a pet.”

 

“She’s a retired pet, and indisposable. She keeps our logistics in working order. I’m sure she would appreciate having your help.”

 

“She does all that at the bakery?”

 

“Some there, some at home. There’s a fair amount of down time between breakfast and lunch, for her at least. She keeps Andrew’s books as well, to better keep ours in line.”

 

Levi pulls his bottom lip between his chattering teeth and swallows, the exhale that follows raising up like a billow of steam. “What does Mike do?”

 

“He works at the airport part-time.”

 

“And you’re downtown in the government building or whatever?”

 

“Yes.” Erwin holds his hand out to Levi again, and they continue with their walk, hand-in-hand once more. 

 

“Then I guess I’ll work at the bakery again.”

 

“I’ll talk to Andrew when we get back to the city. I’m sure he’ll be glad to have you back, things haven’t changed around there while you’ve been away.” Before Erwin can take another step, Levi stops again, and Erwin lets their hands disconnect. “Darling.”

 

“Why didn’t you come get me?” Levi asks suddenly, his gaze on Erwin’s boots. The set of his body is defensive, angry. “Why did you leave me alone for two years?”

 

“Where is this coming from?” Erwin asks, keeping his tone controlled and even. He already knows. He knows that Levi’s seemingly simple surrender is anything but. 

 

“If you knew I couldn’t kill Kenny, and couldn’t come home, why didn’t you reach out to me?”

 

“Be careful, boy.”

 

“No,” Levi breathes, chuckles, then says it again with more confidence, looking Erwin in the eye and stalking forward to press a fist against Erwin’s chest over his coat. “No, I’m not your  _ boy _ right now. Why did you leave me alone? Were you punishing me?”

 

“Katze.” Erwin’s hand takes hold of the breakable wrist but doesn’t squeeze past a warning grind of fine bones. This is unexpected.

 

“Just tell me.” Levi rips himself from Erwin’s grasp. “Are you going to do it again?”

 

“No.”

 

_ “No?” _

 

“No.” Now it’s Erwin’s turn to be aggressive, and as he takes the step into Levi’s space, Levi moves back, bit for bit. 

 

“Then what’s it gonna be?” Levi demands, though he’s moving defensively backward. “Gonna isolate me, lock me up? How are you going to punish me next time I can’t follow an order? Withhold your love? Starve me?”

 

“That’s enough, katze.”

 

“Say my  _ fucking _ name, Erwin Smith,” Levi seethes, then screams,  _ “Who am I?!” _

 

“You’re my katze having a tantrum,” Erwin says, cold and calm, unmoved by Levi’s violent mood swing. “This isn’t about punishment. This isn’t about you spending two years in Miami. What is this about, boy?”

 

“This is about you trying to fuck with me--”

 

“I don’t have to  _ try _ to fuck with you,” Erwin throws right back into his face. 

 

Levi turns around and starts off toward the house again, and Erwin follows in leisure, letting Levi have a dozen steps of space between them. Back at the house, Levi doesn’t speak as he follows Erwin inside, as he lays the wool blanket out over the dining table and pulls his hoodie off. After he kicks off his boots, he goes to the latch for the basement stairs and kneels. Erwin watches as he removes his outerwear.

 

He joins his boy, standing behind him, his shadow enveloping Levi entirely. 

 

“This is about you needing reassurance,” Erwin finally says, because they both know the truth. “This is about you wanting to know that you’re safe.”

 

As if he’s ignoring the statement, Levi asks again, “Why did you leave me there for that long?” He twists, looking up at his man over his shoulder, like a sad kitten wrapped in black, so Erwin kneels and brings one hand to cup Levi’s cheek and press him down into his chest. 

 

Very, very sweetly, he asks, “Do you need a drink, darling?” 

 

Tension steals Levi for a moment before he twists his body around and forces himself into Erwin’s bosom, Erwin’s arms coming around him and taking them down together in a reprise of last night’s bedtime, with Erwin on his back and Levi on his chest. 

 

Erwin pushes both hands into Levi’s hair and runs his fingers through it like he means to find every little knot. “Why did you start drinking, katze?”

 

“Because you weren’t  _ there,” _ Levi whimpers, his mood swinging down into sorrow as quickly as it had spiked into rage. Erwin knows he didn’t drink all day, every single day for two years-- he must be going into withdrawal now, delayed like this. It’s been exactly one week since Erwin visited him at his apartment, exactly one week since Levi rushed away from their conversation to soothe himself with something alcoholic on his empty stomach. 

 

“I’m here now,” Erwin coos. “Do you still want a drink?”

 

There is shame in the slow nod. “Yeah.”

 

This is an opportunity for Erwin, something too good to pass up. He can mold Levi’s reckless, shapeless dependency on alcohol into something a little more useful, something more purposeful. 

 

“I’ll let you have a drink, darling, but you have to ask me for it.” Erwin rolls them onto their sides and then untangles himself, pushing to his feet. There’s a one-hundred milliliter bottle of tequila in the glove compartment in the truck, just for something like this. Erwin’s been waiting for this chance. “Every time you feel like you need it, you’ll come to me and ask me for it, and I’ll give you what you need. I don’t lie, Levi. Let me meet your needs.”

 

Levi sits up and rubs his eyes with both hands a little too roughly, and Erwin is patient until Levi rises beside him. 

 

“Erwin,” the noirette says slowly. He’s trying to hide his disbelief. “Do you really mean it? You’ll let me?”

 

How easily Erwin is fitting Levi back into who he should be; how easily Levi forgets that he has control, and expects Erwin to be the one in charge; how easily Erwin assumes command rightfully, righteously, because Levi  _ needs _ to be free of responsibility.

 

“I mean it, sweet boy.”

 

Levi shudders when he obediently asks, body filled with humility, and when Erwin comes back into the house, he pours the tequila into a cup that Levi tosses back and empties in one go. They stand together over the latch that would lead to the basement, and it’s so close, Erwin can vividly imagine what twenty-four hours would do to him, how it would affect the fabric of their relationship, how much more of Levi’s conditioning would surface when Erwin brought him back up those stairs again tomorrow afternoon.

 

In curiosity, Erwin strokes his knuckles down Levi’s flushed cheek. “You said the level of independence you wanted would change, depending. How much do you want right now, katze?” 

 

Levi shakes his head, closing his eyes, yielding to the gentle touch. “None.”

 


	6. To Curse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: anxiety, self-harm.

Levi unravels. He’d forgotten this, he’d forgotten how bad this gets and how fast, and he’s rocking himself in the sleeping bag, trying to self-soothe and hum but failing miserably. He whines instead, trapped and panicky sounds that mirror his emotions. He feels as if he’s going to die here alone, and it’s just like it was almost three years ago, but this time, he knows how it will end. This time, he knows he will hear the floorboards creak, and the latch will come undone, and then Erwin will bring him up those stairs. It’s a day, it’s just one fucking day, and he’s survived so many more days down here alone. He’s survived so many days along in the unknown of Miami. This will pass. This will pass. This will _fucking_ pass.

The panic simmers down and he sleeps with the disturbance of shivers when he wiggles too far out of the sleeping bag. Carefully, he arranges it so that only his mouth and nose are exposed, and then he drifts.

He dreams of running from something chasing, something snapping at his heels, and Levi wakes up drenched in sweat. When he blinks his eyes open from the nightmare and there is no light to chase away the last remnants of his fear, the panic sets in again, and this time, he gives in. He’s too fucking hot, he’s got to get out of the sleeping bag, he’s gonna sweat too much.

“Fuck,” Levi whines, rubbing his hands over his face. On the way down his neck, his nails catch in his skin and he lets them prove he’s alive with pain as they open his skin. His whine becomes a forced grunt as he tries to escape the nightmare completely and fails, his heart a hummingbird fearing for its life, his body a prison and his brain a bomb, detonating. Suddenly, his skin is on fire with the memory of cigarette burns and gouges, his shins throb as if his tibia are splitting in half, he can feel the hot blood seeping down his neck where his ear is cut away. Levi clenches his fists, all eight fingers, and feels the throbbing loss of two on his right hand. His body is being mutilated all over again in one single, neverending, all-consuming moment.

He screams, long and loud and animal wild, until the pain drags him into unconsciousness again.

;;;

_Erwin’s knuckles stroke down his cheek a second time. “Are you sure?”_

_Levi nods, and says again, “None.”_

_“You’d give me control? You’d go into the basement if I ordered you?” Erwin cups his cheek, and then that warm hand slides down to Levi’s throat and he can’t keep from swallowing. The pressure feels good. Having the drink is making him feel good, even though he knows the alcohol is nowhere near his blood yet, just the knowledge and the bitter aftertaste is making him relax. It’s making him want to roll over for Erwin because it’s Erwin who has provided him with these good feelings. It’s something he shouldn’t feel good about, and he knows it, but Erwin gave it to him this time, and Levi remembers that Erwin only wants what is best for him, so maybe a little indulgence in that demon is okay for now._

_“I’d… I’d,” Levi attempts, swallowing again. He can’t bring himself to visualise that, and like a blind leap of faith, he nods again, closing his eyes for a moment to work up the nerve to say it aloud. “I’d give you... control.”_

_Erwin hums, then lets his hand find Levi’s scruff, fingertips kneading in a way that makes Levi’s head fall forward until his chin is on his chest. The fingers rub circles, meeting in the middle and parting outward, again and again._

_“I’d want to try it out,” Levi clarifies. “I dunno, it’s hard to adjust to this new thing. It doesn’t feel right; it’s like something’s just off. I feel like I shouldn’t be able to ask you for anything, like I should go back to the way it was before.”_

_“It’s an adjustment.” Erwin closes the small distance and gives up kneading so that he can use that hand to tug Levi’s hair until the boy raises his head. Their eyes meet, silver and blue and swirl. “You want to work up to that point?”_

_It startles him how that question clicks in his brain, and makes him realise what feels so wrong about their dynamic now. He spent six months striving toward a goal, bleeding for it, and now, Erwin let him ask for that goal without working for it. Even though Levi wants things to be different this time, that’s asking too much. That’s too different. He agrees with Erwin, “I want to. It doesn’t seem right to get it for free when before, I had to earn it.”_

;;;

This time, he dreams of his mother holding his head to her chest and rocking him, and when he wakes, light chases away the pleasantness and leaves him grasping for the threads of her voice telling him that she loves him.

“Katze,” Erwin whispers.

Levi opens his eyes. The lights have been turned on, and Erwin is kneeling before him. Levi’s laying at the base of the stairs, away from the sleeping bag, and as if on cue, his body breaks out in shivers.

“You’re ice cold,” Erwin tells him. “How long were you out of the sleeping bag like this?”

Levi tries to wet his aching throat. Every breath stings. “I don’t know.”

“Let’s get you upstairs,” Erwin says, wasting no time in scooping Levi up. His body feels like embers, and Levi wants to burn, burying his face in the chest and trying to get his stiff, numb fingers to cooperate and grab Erwin’s sweater. On the sofa, Erwin covers him with one of the blankets they brought from Denver and tucks it tightly around him like an infant needing to be swaddled. Levi watches his back as he retreats, and lets his eyelids flutter. It’s so warm up here, it feels good. It makes him feel like he just wants to sleep forever. The anxiety has drained him both mentally and physically, and he would like nothing more than to stay here with Erwin in this secluded little home to recuperate. Denver is too bright and loud and busy, even though it pales in comparison to Miami, but Levi grew up in Sina. He’s not made for major cities.

“I heard you screaming all evening,” Erwin says, only after he’s raised the stairs and locked them into place. He returns and kneels beside Levi. There’s concern written in his features, and Levi feels embarrassed by it. “Darling, are you alright?”

Levi nods once, too tired for anything else. He wants to sleep a little more. It’s peaceful here, just him and Erwin. His man will be so busy when they return, and Levi just wants to hold onto this intimacy for a little bit longer.

“It’s not so cold down there that you need to go to the hospital,” Erwin tells him. Cupping one cheek, Erwin’s thumb skirts over his lips. “You’re just cold enough to make me worry, though. Can you try and stay awake for me?”

“ ‘m tired,” Levi mumbles, body surrendering to another little shiver.

“Alright, darling,” Erwin smiles at him. “I’ll wake you up in a few minutes.”

Levi must have fallen asleep again, because it feels like only a moment before Erwin shakes him gently and sits him up. It’s been a little bit, Levi can tell, because he feels warm and toasty again, all traces of his night in the basement chased from his extremities.

“There’s my boy,” Erwin praises, pulls Levi into his lap. “There you are, katze. Feeling better?”

“Yeah.” Levi stretches with his arms over his head and then sighs back down onto the strong thighs. Moonlight pours in through the window above him. He spent less than ten hours down there. He survived, despite the panic he felt, he’s here and whole. It’s over, it’s passed. He’s through the worst of it.

“You were screaming so much,” Erwin says, reminding Levi of earlier. “Bad dreams?”

“I’m not sure.” Levi remembers nothing besides the overwhelming anxiety, the feeling of his imminent death, and now that he’s safe in Erwin’s arms, even that is beginning to wane. Hands comes to his hair and with some careful pulling, the scrunchie is removed, and then Erwin’s combing fingers through long black strands, fanning them out around Levi.

Their eyes meet, and Erwin leans down to peck his lips. “Let me take you to bed.”

Naked, they settle under the heavy blankets. All of Levi’s attempts to curl into himself are stopped, and Erwin entwines their limbs, tangled legs and wrapped around arms. With the space heater going, Levi thinks they might get too hot like this, but maybe that’s not so bad. It’s the kind of thing that makes Levi think back to all the nights they spent in similar fashion, fucked out and blissful. A deep yearning oxidises in his blood.

“Erwin,” he says very quietly. “Are you going to fuck me?”

“In time.” Erwin cups Levi’s jaw, fingers caressing the silver-pink keloid where the shell of his ear was removed.

The answer is less than revealing, but more than that, it reminds Levi that he is a trained thing. Their relationship is that of a handler and a pet. Disappointment looms with it, the unpleasant reminder now weighing on Levi’s mind, needing to be addressed as soon as possible to alleviate the strain.

“Why?”

“Darling.” Erwin’s nose finds Levi’s cheek and then lips press into his throat. “Are you in a rush?”

Levi shakes his head. All of his instincts tell him not to pursue this anymore, because it’s been drilled into his head that he needs to wait for Erwin, let Erwin give him what he needs when he needs it-- don’t ask, simply _receive_ when Erwin wills it. But Levi pushes forward regardless. “No, I just… It seems like the perfect time, doesn’t it?”

“There’s some training we need to go over before I can reward you that way.”

Hearing the words from Erwin brings Levi’s disappointment a beating heart, makes it a living thing that can infect his brain and cause trouble. Levi knows he should push away his own emotions in favour of docile acceptance, he _knows_ that will be the least painful way to go about this, but it feels too hard. “Training like what?”

“You’re an eager boy.” Erwin kisses him then, another of the barely-there, chaste brushes of lips. That’s all he’s given Levi, and it makes him thirst for more. “Don’t worry yourself about it, my love. You’ll be alright.”

“But--”

“Trust me, darling.”

It’s something that Levi cannot argue with right now, when Erwin asks him to trust him. He just trusted Erwin to put him in the basement and bring him up whole, and of course that’s a trust fulfilled. Being told to _trust_ over a future that Levi cannot comprehend, a future that he knows Erwin holds the reins to-- what choice does he truly have? Erwin has always guided him and held him close. All threads lead to Erwin. Nothing can ever free Levi, so what is there to fear?

“Okay,” Levi finally sighs. He sinks down deep into the blankets, remembering his desire to sleep and hold onto this intimacy with Erwin. Here they are, skin on skin, alone in the dark, and Levi’s wasting this precious time with worries over a future that Erwin’s already orchestrated to suit them both. Levi’s a fucking idiot. He should always shut his mouth and let Erwin lead him.

“Good boy,” Erwin croons. It chases Levi into a fitful sleep.

He was fourteen and barely an adolescent. The awkwardness of puberty was reaching forward to introduce itself to him, but somehow, he ended up in a compound being tortured alongside his Mama instead. It doesn’t make sense in his mind, how he gets there, but he’s there, and it’s real, and it terrifies him.

Mike held Levi’s right ear, tugged it hard and held it out. The deadly sharp tip of a blade removed it. It’s Erwin’s desire, he realises now, and Levi splits from himself, a carbon copy, fourteen again, bloodied and watching himself be dissected alive.

What the fuck is this? Levi looks down at his hands, at the eight fingers, and looks to the memory-locked Levi. He shouldn’t be here. This is something he’s repressed. He remembers Ma dying and saying that she loves him with her dying breath. He remembers Kenny helping him get out. He shouldn’t remember the process. Levi watches as memory Mike throws away a living piece of his flesh like it’s nothing, like it’s just another piece of trash.

Levi watches the way his Mama reveals words that make no sense, government information. She was no active body, she was just a scapegoat. A face of sugar to make the laws taste less bitter. She was a throw away to them. She died for _them_ and _they_ didn’t care.

Levi looks up from his bloody hands and back at the scene, to his Mama. He takes a step forward, needing to hug her, needing to hear her voice, needing to look into her eyes one more time--

“Katze,” Erwin coaxes. The scene before him stills, shatters, falls down below him into the gaping mouth of the void.

Levi blinks into a bright morning, gasps like he was just drowning. Erwin doesn’t try to stop him from sitting up, but Levi does more than that. He jumps all the way from bed, met with the shock in temperature change.

“I’m hallucinating,” he blurts, catching himself from running with both hands gripping the doorframe. His hair is loose around him, but it’s not protection from the cool air, especially compared to the bodily warmth of the bed. “I’m-- I was-- I saw…” Levi brings his hands in front of his face. They’re clean. Quietly, he exhales, “Fuck.”

“Come back to bed,” Erwin orders gently. “It’s early.”

Levi looks over his shoulder, and Erwin beckons him with a curling finger. He can’t disobey. Back under the safety of the red sheets and a pile of blankets, Levi doesn’t ask any permission before he wraps himself up in Erwin, making himself the little spoon and positioning Erwin’s arms around him. His man must be humouring him, because all he does is kiss Levi’s nape and settle back down behind him.

Erwin waits until Levi’s breathing evens out again before he asks, “Have you been having bad dreams while we’ve been here, sweet boy?”

Maybe this is all chipping away at Levi’s walls, because he finds himself answering without any hesitation. “Yeah. Nothing but bad dreams. Nightmares. I dunno, I just… I dreamt of my torture.”

“What about it?” Erwin encourages Levi to continue spilling answers with an easy squeeze around his abdomen. Snakes squeeze their prey before eating them, Levi vaguely recalls. Maybe he wouldn’t mind being eaten.

Like a disclaimer, Levi starts with, “I think I remember it out of order.”

“That’s alright.” Another squeeze, a long pulse this time.

“I dreamed about Mike taking my ear.”

Behind him, Erwin hums, the vibrations echoing into Levi. There’s another kiss to his nape before Erwin says, “He did so on my orders.”

Something about those words makes Levi relax, an unbidden, surprising response. It’s trust. “Yeah.”

“What else, my love?”

“There were two of me. Or, I guess, I there and I was fourteen again, and I was standing there watching it happen to me. And my mother was there. She was still alive.” Levi shudders now. He doesn’t want to talk about this, doesn’t even want to think about this. It was just a dream. “Let’s talk about something else.”

So instead, Erwin pulls Levi against him and tells him about their plan for the day, how they’re going to get up and get dressed, have breakfast, pack up their belongings and start making the slow trek down to Denver. The hardest part will be getting through the snow up here, because these are their private roads and no one else is responsible for maintaining them. Once they get on the county road, it should be cleared, albeit icy and potentially packed with snow and sprinkled with salt. The city warmth of Sina almost guarantees clean streets, and the interstate will be busy after being closed, so really, once they get off the private roads, travel will only become easier and easier.

Mentioning Denver is kindling, talking about leaving this small sanctuary is a burst of oxygen, breathing life back into the embers of Levi’s anxiety. As they go through their morning, doing all the things Erwin said they would do, Levi begins to grow antsy, the pending end of this retreat making him want to scratch his scabbing skin open all over again, even after Erwin kisses those little marks of self-destruction and promises to bandage them properly in Denver.

“Are you ready?” Erwin asks. They’re in the little living room, only a few moments left here, and Levi feels the anxiety like a bonfire within him. He shies back from Erwin and shakes his head. Erwin asks, “Darling?”

“I don’t want to go,” Levi mutters. It’s illogical, and the worst part is that he knows it. He knows that staying here is not an option. But he’s clinging to this place, feeling a small desperate need, not ready to face the reality that waits for them when they return home.

Erwin stands and watches his boy pace up and down for a minute, and then he sits on the loveseat, his body language giving nothing away. It’s free of inflection when he says, “I’ve told you what we will do.”

Levi shakes his head, shoulders bunching again. He doesn’t want to leave. He needs to stay here, but he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t care to know why. He should trust Erwin but in this moment, all he knows is the fire in his brain, flames licking him, promising him kind and patient oblivion if he destroys himself now. It’s alluring. It’s driving apart the pin and the barrel and leaving him unhinged. It’s all so much. It’s all killing him.

“Listen to me, boy,” Erwin nearly growls. The talons of control crawl into Levi like a physical thing, making him shriek as everything from this weekend piles into him, overwhelming him, enough to make him break.

“Being in this fucking place is making me fucking crazy!” Levi screams at the top of his lungs, letting his head fall back and unleashing his anger into the ceiling. He whips his head back to look at Erwin, made all the more upset by the fact that the man sits on his sofa, arms thrown casually over the back, one ankle resting on the opposite knee, as if nothing is wrong.

Finally, Erwin says, a little too calmly, “You asked to come here.”

“Fucking God!” Levi screams again, raising his hands to his hair and tugging, gritting his teeth and screeching through them like he’s rabid. It feels like he’s about to die from the boiling of his blood. “I didn’t know what I was fucking asking for!”

“Then why’d you ask?” Erwin retorts, still calm, even in the face of a fire burning, consuming. Levi is on fire. “Did you ask for the wrong thing?”

His fingers feel tense enough to snap and fall off his hands, and he alleviates that tension like a housecat maintaining its claws, sinking his nails into his jaw and tearing them down his neck, right over freshly existing scratches, digging deep enough into already-opened flesh to bleed anew, and he screams again, because he needs to, because it feels like he’s dying if he doesn’t let this out. It’s got to get out of him, it’s burning him up. “Cause I don’t need you! I don’t need you telling me what to do!”

Erwin sighs like he’s disappointed, and Levi badly wants to plunges his fingers into Erwin’s eye sockets. “Why did you ask, katze?”

“That’s not my fucking name,” Levi seethes, but Erwin looks at him so expectantly, and the truth feels like ice on the nape of his neck. He wants to hide it, but he knows that Erwin already knows. Erwin doesn’t make genuine inquiries of Levi; Erwin only ever asks questions because he wants Levi to know that he already knows.

Carefully, Levi meets his gaze, looks away again, turnings around. He’s still on fire, he’s still restless, but the ice makes him heavy. It cools him a little bit. He scratches at the scar of his missing ear as he admits, “I fucking wanted to, alright? I wanted to come back here ‘cause I thought it’d be like last time, and it’s fucking too much. I’m not weak like I was back then, but I’m still-- I’m still falling for your bullshit, alright?” Levi turns to face him again, throwing his arms out at his side in surrender. He’s quieter now, his voice shredded. “You got me, alright? I wanna act like I’m over you, but you’re in my fucking head.... I’m not over you. I… I don’t think I’ll ever be over you. I think that I should have killed you, but if I had, I woulda killed myself right over you. That’s... the only way. I feel like my whole life is tied to you.”

Erwin nods like this is exactly what he was expecting to hear. And he probably was. Nothing can make Levi forget how terribly open he is to this man. That’s a fact that Levi should not have tried to deny. His man rises, and surveys Levi from a distance.

“Darling,” he says, so collected. Erwin reaches out and takes Levi’s wrist to stop him from scratching the keloid any further. The nails of that hand are bloody, but Levi watches as Erwin brings the palm to his lips and kisses it. To it, as if Levi’s flesh is sacred, he says, “Let’s go home, my precious katze.”

Just like that, the ice on the back of Levi’s neck is a bucket of water in his veins, dowsing him and extinguishing his fire. He deflates physically, sagging into himself, caught by Erwin’s grip on his wrist. Levi brings his fists to the front of Erwin’s shirt and clutches at him, peekings of desperation in his actions. Resting his forehead against the firm chest, he surrenders, “Okay.”

;;;

“Come on, Baby,” Levi whispers, coaxing her into the carrier. Thankfully, she doesn’t meow, even though he can see she’s agitated by his midnight rushing. He slings the backpack over his shoulders after zipping up his sweatshirt, and downstairs, he stuffs his feet into his boots. Without even a backward glance, Levi leaves the house and lets the darkness of two a.m. consume him. He’s already called for a taxi, and it’ll meet him at King Soopers in ten minutes. On quick feet, he gets through the sleeping neighbourhood, his stomach bubbling with nerves. But he can’t stay here. He needs to leave, he needs to leave Erwin. He can’t stay here.

By the time Levi gets to the airport, he has to stop in the bathrooms and throw up before he feels stable enough to wait in the antagonising security line without scratching himself open again. He’s running from Erwin, and he doesn’t want to, but he needs to. He can’t stay here.

Part of him expects Erwin to be waiting in Miami, because Erwin knows everything about him, knows how to read him from a distance like a billboard. But Levi walks out of Wilcox Field and into the sunshine, nothing but a backpack and Babydoll in her carrier, and no one is chasing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will be doing my best not to update every two months from now on.


	7. To Haunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: self-harm, mild sexual content, very vaguely hinted polyamory.

Erwin watches his boy leave. Levi is in such rush that he doesn’t realise he’s not alone in the living room as he throws on his jacket and boots. But Erwin doesn’t make his presence known. He makes no move to stop his boy, and instead, watches the way his katze disappears into the night.

It’s disappointing, watching his darling run away, but Erwin knows it won’t last long. Levi’s a frazzled, tangled boy right now, and he’ll come back to his senses. There’s nowhere to go for him but Miami, and Erwin knows the location of his apartment as well as the church and Uri’s estate. Just the thought of Uri, and Erwin walks to his house phone, picking it up and dialing the pastor. Florida is two hours ahead, and Uri sounds well awake when he answers with a calm,  _ “Hello, Erwin, how are you?” _

“I’m well, yourself?” 

_ “Good. What’s troubling you at such a late hour?” _

“I just watched Levi run away. I wanted to give you a heads up that he’ll be back in your jurisdiction soon.”

_ “Oh,” _ and Uri pauses for a few moments.  _ “Oh, I’m sorry to hear this.” _

“Please, don’t be.” Erwin rubs at his temple with his free hand. He’s got custody of the boy, as agreed upon with Kenny, but custody and control are not synonymous like they used to be.

_ “I’ll let you know when I see him, and how he’s doing,” _ Uri offers.  _ “Thank you for telling me.” _

“Yes, no problem. Would you please ask our dear September to check on him? She’s good at getting him to open up.”

_ “Of course,”  _ Uri promises.  _ “She was here with her boys for dinner last night, and she asked after Levi. I told her that he was with you.” _

“How’d she take it?”

_ “I’m not sure,” _ the pastor confesses.  _ “She kept her true feelings to herself, but I know she cares for his well being. I’m sure she’ll be very willing to check on him.” _

After the short phone call of traded pleasantries, Erwin wanders back up to his bed and lays down. It’s hard to believe that everything happened over the weekend like that, Levi sucking his cock, having a tantrum, spending a night in the basement, all of it. It was a rollercoaster of forty-eight hours, so Erwin can, in more ways than one, understand this mildly anticipated response. Was he too cold afterward, is that why Levi felt he needed to distance himself? Should he have offered his boy affection a little more openly?

Perhaps if Erwin had fucked Levi in that bed instead of just holding him skin-to-skin, then the flight instinct would have been more ignorable for his troubled boy, but he doesn’t want to dwell on what-ifs, he wants to find a solution for when his boy comes back. The basement was a gamble, and one that he lost. He wants to count the cards next time, wants to be in control while Levi makes his own bet under the guise of a fair game. He wants to go all-in with the certainty that he will win.

Because Levi had been so  _ sated _ when he got on his knees. What Levi needs this time is requited devotion and intimacy. This time, Erwin cannot remain a cold, distant figure of authority while supplying Levi with his needs. Erwin must show his own vulnerability to Levi to coax out the same within his boy, and there is challenge in allowing Levi to see into him this way. Levi does not understand people the natural way Erwin can, so Erwin will have to explain himself, he’ll have to explicitly give Levi personal information, and while that does not frighten him, he’s not sure how to feel about putting that sort of trust in his stormy little katze. But all he knows is that the end result, having Levi tucked tight into his side again, loyal to his dying breath once more, will be well worth the sacrifices he must make. Levi’s admitted it himself, his needs have changed, and Erwin must accommodate those changes in the right way in order to rebuild this burned-down relationship on the firm foundation that he knows lies below the debris. 

It was a tool of power to fuck Levi before, and it will be power in a different way. Not that Erwin didn’t enjoy it, but it served a purpose; going forward, the main purpose of their sexual relationship will need to be mutual bonding. Not fucking for reward or to show satisfaction in Levi’s behaviour, but fucking for love and feelings of closeness. Fucking like lovers, not like a master and pet. Levi will need to be allowed to initiate, to explore, just like he did over the weekend. It cannot be shrouded in games and puppet strings. It must be woven with the threads of desire shared between them. It must be genuine. Erwin just give his own vulnerability in order to accept Levi’s, a healthy function that’s always been absent between them. Their physical relationship must become separate from their dynamic and the power between them, instead becoming a steady thing, everpresent even in the face of uncertainty and trouble.  _ That  _ is how he can pull Levi in and keep him close.

Levi had been so close to him in Disney, before Erwin surrendered him. They’d fucked every night, most nights more than once, and Erwin remembers how Levi had grafted back in like a new rib, even after several weeks with nothing but a scant Wednesday night phone call. It could be the same way now. He could soothe Levi with sex instead of alcohol like he tried to do at the mountain estate, could use affection the way he used to but with different intent. Give Levi kisses and suck his little uncut cock and lick his hole and fuck him until he cries. With a wistful smile, he imagines it. Levi and all that beautiful hair around him, catching the moonlight in its soft waves, shimmering as Levi rides him slowly, head tossed back in open-mouthed pleasure. They could come together again, one body and one mind united.

Erwin allows himself to be burned up in the low, steady heat of embers born by the mix of memories and fantasies of sharing Levi’s body. He tosses the bed covers back. Levi was always such a pliant boy when he was fucked, and even though he was shy about it, he was submissive and unrefined, letting his desperate need show on his face. With a low grunt, caught in a reverie of his darling, Erwin climaxes as he’s imagining Levi in bed beside him, pleasuring himself in masturbatory exhibitionism once again, peaking just as he’s wishing for Levi to be there with him, making his silent vow. He ignores the welling in his eyes but does not deny that smaller, second release.

Nanaba welcomes his brooding into her home just a few hours later. She leans on her forearm crutch as she walks, too early for her artificial limb yet. Erwin sits on a barstool at the kitchen island, elbows up and chin resting on knit hands.

The kettle boils before Nana quietly asks, “Did he say anything before he left?”

“No.” Erwin turns when he hears lazy weight sliding down the stairs in the living room, and a moment later, Judah wanders in, rubbing his half-opened eyes. The toddler comes to Erwin and holds up his arms in a clear request, so he picks Judah up and settles him in his lap, a warm bundle of soft fleece pajamas. He settles his head to fit under Erwin’s chin and with a heavy sigh, goes limp with sleepiness.

Nana brings a steaming mug to set in front of Erwin and then to her son, asks, “Hey, baby, want Mama to tuck you back in?”

Judah shakes his head and burrows into Erwin’s chest, content to rest here. He pats the toddler’s head with one hand and lifts the mug to his lips with the other. It’s a strawberry lavender tea, one of her longtime favourites, one that Erwin can remember her serving to Levi all the time at the apartment building in Sina. It’s comforting yet bittersweet. 

“How was he on the ride back down yesterday?”

“Quiet,” Erwin tells her. “He seemed like he wanted to cling, but held himself back until I laid his head on my lap. He went into the basement the night before, so he had some leftover anxiety.”

Nana’s tense disapproval is a physical thing. “Why’d you put him in the basement?”

Erwin gives the simplest of answers, because truthfully, there are so many layers to his reasons, and while he trusts Nanaba with all of that information, he’s not yet ready to disclose it completely. “He was falling so easily. I wanted to see how far I could push him.”

“And now you’ve got your answer.”

Erwin nods. “Yes.”

“So were you expecting this to happen?”

“Partially,” he admits. “I knew that if he wasn’t broken completely, that there would be a good chance of him running. He wants to have some autonomy, but there’s still so much anger and confusion there, and his alcohol dependency makes him difficult to handle. This desire for independence is a façade made of his fear and uncertainty.”

“You’ve got to get him sober,” Nana concludes, the same conclusion that Erwin always lands at. “Before you can do anything with him again, you’ve got to get him sober.”

“Or become his supplier.”

“Erwin.”

“That’s how I got him to go into the basement.”

Nanaba’s disapproval becomes a taut thing in the air between them, and then with the slump of her shoulders, the tension snaps back into acceptance. She doesn’t like this habit that Levi brought with him. “You gave him a drink?”

“Yes. Levi had an outburst, so I… soothed him.” Erwin sips his tea again, pushing down old memories of his boy when he was sweet and scared of everything. “And he relinquished his autonomy without any qualms. It was so easy. It would be so easy to control him that way. It’s the same conditioning, but this time, replacing affection with alcohol.”

“I don’t like this,” Nana says. “You’ve said yourself, the alcohol makes him hard to handle. You’d have to get him sober eventually, even if you work him into it.”

“Replacing it slowly,” Erwin agrees. “Find something else to make him crave when he craves a drink.”

“Hanji is doing her rounds in Monterey this week,” she reminds him after a poorly stifled sound of exasperation. “She’s better equipped for this conversation.”

“Or is it hard for you to hear because he’s your friend?”

Nana sets her mouth in a grim line and turns to the fridge to rummage. When she sets out everything she needs to make breakfast, she turns around again, resting her legless hip against the counter. It takes another moment for her to finish gathering her thoughts, and she tries to speak her mind without too much bite. “He was my only friend in years, Erwin. Of course this is hard. You know how hard it was for me when you sent him away, and now you’re scaring him off again with these mind games. I want him here as much as you, so can you stop fucking with him for a minute and let him get stable again? You took it all away from him, and he’s unhinged, and these games are making it worse for him.”

“These same mind games kept both you and him alive,” Erwin reminds her, stern but without bite. 

“He doesn’t need to be retrained, Erwin.” She looks him in the eye. “He’s still your boy, don’t worry. He just needs you, all of the  _ real _ you.”

It’s too alike his own earlier thoughts, and he deflects it, changes their conversation. “He needs control right now. He’s been isolated in Miami without supervision or rules.”

“You said he wants autonomy.”

“I’m trying to allow him that request,” Erwin tells her. “I want him to trust me again.”

“You want him to trust you while you toy with him?”

“I want him to get tired of his autonomy and ask for all of my control again,” Erwin corrects. “He will. He hates the responsibility and the weight of making his own choices.”

“That’s part of human nature. Someone else is at fault when things get fucked up. Feels good that way.” Nana says. “If you want to make him ask for your control, give him some rank. If he wants autonomy, give him responsibility. He’ll hate that.”

Erwin hums and narrows a look at Nana as she takes down plates with one hand. The weight of Levi’s mistakes-- the weight that Erwin later laid claim to-- is evident in the stump of her right leg, the necessity of the crutch. The injury that almost killed her, and unknown at the time, almost killed Judah; something Erwin is sure Levi still struggles with. To put responsibility on his boy again, as she suggests, would potentially cost them a life or another permanent injury if he messes up again. Erwin clears his throat. “What do you suggest?”

“From my own personal feelings?”

Erwin nods.

It’s Nana’s turn to hum. For a few minutes, she silently butters four slices of toast and decorates them with various topping before cutting them diagonally in half. She sets Erwin’s avocado and boiled egg toast on the island in front of him, and a peanut butter and blueberry one for Judah next to it. When she pauses in her work, she rests, leans on her elbows over the island. “He wasn’t perfect, but he was a good pet. Rules were, or, are important to him. I think you should give him a separate rank and put him in charge of other pets. He would still answer to officers, but pets would answer to him.”

“You may be on to something,” Erwin concedes, just as the front door opens. Judah perks up, knowing his Papa is back. Sure enough, the toddler wiggles awake and then slithers out of Erwin’s lap so that he can run and greet Mike.

The major joins them in the kitchen a moment later with Judah on his hip. “Hey, what got you here this early?”

“Levi left,” Nana answers as Mike circles the island to greet with her with a kiss in her hair. It’s not the shaggy undercut that it used to be. She’s more feminine now, her curly white-blonde hair in a short bob just shy of her shoulders. Erwin watches the two trade a look, one laced with opposing opinions, before Mike silently sits Judah on his own stool and slides his toast in front of him.

“My brilliant logistics officer suggests I put him in charge of other pets,” Erwin says. “Give him responsibility to make him want to ask for my control again.”

“I wouldn’t put that boy in charge of nothing,” Mike shakes his head. “That’s asking to get someone killed. What you need is to break him all over again.”

“Erwin put Levi in the basement. That’s why he ran,” Nana is quick to say. 

Mike sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. Between the three of them, Levi has remained a point of contention for the last two years, each with their different reasoning. It’s too early to start digging everything up again, so Erwin says, “I’ll think on it, and let you know what I decide.”

Nanaba shows her agreement, but Mike only shakes his head.

The next time Erwin hears from anyone in Florida, it’s Kenny, sounding like he’s ready to toss fists, threatening, “Come get ‘ur trainwreck piece a shit outta my fuckin’ territory! Next time I see him, I’ll fuckin’ shoot him dead.”

;;;

Levi hasn’t seen her since her little disappearing act, and she looks content, happy in a way that he recognises but cannot name. It tugs on his ribs and makes him question it’s familiarity. 

“Are you alright?” Mikasa asks quietly. They’re in the courtyard of Uri’s home, the bright sun overhead. Levi had been forced to show his face here after his key didn’t work at his apartment, and the way Kenny seemed genuinely surprised to see Levi with a backpack and Babydoll’s carrier, he guesses it’s Erwin’s doing. 

“Yeah,” Levi grouses. He was sitting here, minding his own business, getting fresh air when his cousin intruded, and he just wants to be alone. “Just peachy. What do you want?”

“I just wanted to check on you. Uri said you’re staying here.” Mikasa rises in a rustle of her black, lacy skirts. Partial surrender is written in her body language.

Levi is sharp when he spits, “So what, you wanna know why?”

“No. Sorry to fucking bother you.” Mikasa steps out, her plethora of crosses jingling, growing fainter as she enters the home again.

Levi leans his head back and throws his arm up to hide his eyes behind the crook of his elbow while he sunbathes. The positions pulls on the forming scabs up and down his neck, a pain to take delusional comfort in. Fuck, as soon as he’d gotten to his apartment and saw the lock changed, he’d known it was a mistake to leave Erwin. After two years of his longing to be reunited with his man, he’d let a little anxiety convince him of the opposite. The one night in the basement at the mountain estate wasn’t even that fucking bad, he’s just being a pissbaby about this, and he’d taken matters into his own hands when he decided to run off. If he’d gone to Erwin with his feelings, then he’d be waking up in Denver right now, going next door to help Nana with Judah and logistics again. But instead, he’s here, and he knows he’s going to be miserable.

What was he even thinking, going this far? If he just needed a little space, he could have gone a couple hours up the road, back to Sina. He didn’t need to come all the way across the country. That’s a fucking dumbass decision, one he knows Erwin would not have let him make, had he been brave enough to just fucking  _ talk  _ to Erwin instead of hiding and running. What was he afraid of? He’d just needed some reassurance after the basement. Maybe Erwin had read that need on the drive back to Denver, and that’s why he’d slowly pulled Levi’s head down to rest against his sturdy thigh. Why hadn’t Levi just asked for more? He could have. It would have been easy to ask for more. It’s not that he wasn’t allowed to, he simply chose not to. He chose to take matters into his own inexperienced hands. He’d made the wrong choice coming here.

He hears the sliding door again and not wanting to be bothered by Mikasa, groans, “Fuck off.”

“You don’t mean that,” a different voice answers. 

Levi uncovers his eyes and looks over at Petra. She’s standing by the orange tree, inspecting a few fruit before plucking them and stuffing them in the pockets of her apron so that they bulge through the cotton. She’s the only person he knows that can pull off this outdated practice like a fashion statement: buttondown floral blouse, mom jeans, and a different patterned apron tied around her waist every day. There’s a bandana folded like a headband in her hair. 

“Are you alright?” Petra asks, just the same as Mikasa, but it doesn’t grate on his nerves quite as much to have her asking him. She’s the one who has listened to some of his most desperate thoughts in the last two years. If there’s anyone he’s comfortable showing himself to, it’s her.

“No,” he surrenders simply, the sum of his disastrous mind there in the lack of defense. “I’m not.”

“That’s not good,” she says, and plucks one last orange. She sits in the patio lounger right next to Levi’s and begins to peel it. Today, her fingernails are painted a bright clementine, the same sort of colour her hair becomes in the peak of summer when she’s sunkissed and golden. Cutting right to the heart of it, she asks, “Regret leaving Denver?”

“I’m so fucking stupid.” Levi rubs a hand down his face and sighs. 

Petra passes him the peeled orange and then sets to work on her own. “Honestly, I’m surprised to see you back. All you’ve complained about is wanting to either kill Erwin or be with him, and you were finally with him again.”

“And I fucking had the  _ chance _ to kill him,” Levi volunteers, an act of familiarity. He’s usually as closed off as they come. “But I realised I didn’t actually want that.”

“Well, there you go. Do you even know what you want?”

He’s unconvincing when he says, “I don’t know.”

“You need some honesty right now.”

“How are you gonna give me honesty when I don’t even know the truth?”

“Oh,” Petra chuckles, “you know the truth. You’re just fighting it.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he murmurs without any bite. “I’m sick of you clairvoyant women asking me shit today. So just. Stop.”

“Well, good, because I didn’t come here to be your therapist. Come on, we’re going to the barracks. Mikasa’s coming, too, to practice shooting with the boys.” When Petra stands, she tosses the pile of orange peels onto Levi before tearing her fruit in half thoughtlessly. “Throw those away and then get what you need to spend the night out there.”

“No.” Levi swipes the peels out of his lap, letting them fall discarded in the grass, and lounges back. “I appreciate you and everyone here trying to distract me, but no thanks.”

“I need your help with the boys. There’s some jealousy sprouting, and I was hoping—”

“And I’m a jealous bitch,” Levi interrupts, biting down on the sour memories with a sweet slice of citrus instead. The oranges are better this year than last. Around his mouthful, he tries to dismiss her. “I’m no use to you, Petra. Don’t try to drag me along.”

“Why’d you come here, then? To sit on your ass and mope? Great pity party, Levi, thanks for the invitation. You really need your ass beat for this stunt, you know that?”

Levi bristles, turning away from her. In an instant, he feels all of his defenses rise, blocking her out, pushing her away from the answers she’s after. He’s here because he’s an ungrateful coward that’s afraid. He’s here because he asked for things from Erwin that turned out not to feel as good as he’d thought. Asking for independence and trust? Being given choices while in Erwin’s palm? Fucking stupid. He’s fucking stupid as shit. Just to get her off his back, he crosses his arms and acquiesces, “Fine. I’ll be out there in ten minutes.”

Levi settles into the backseat of Petra’s Camry, laying himself down along it. He’s barely been in Florida for six hours, and the toll of his trips weighs on him. He can hear the two in the front chatting politely about the barracks work waiting for them, and after several minutes of letting his mind fall away from his limp body, he can barely comprehend Petra’s quiet inquiry, “He asleep?”

It piques his interest, bringing him a little more awareness. After a shuffle and a moment, Mikasa says, “Yes.”

“Good. He’s exhausted.”

“He does it to himself, and besides, he shouldn’t be here. He should be with the major general.”

“He’s working through some emotional stuff right now.”

“Of course, but he’s destroying himself in the process. I don’t know what could have even happened to make him run away like this, after how much he’s pined for Erwin these last couple years.”

“He needs to get laid,” Petra chuckles quietly, then becomes serious again. “I think right now, he’s afraid, most of all.”

Mikasa hums, and there’s a few moments of silence where Levi can feel himself drifting down the lazy river into sleep again. He’s pulled closer to shore when she finally says, “Do you think he’s not adjusting well to having control again? Kenny didn’t give him any structure or rules. Levi did whatever he wanted, and all he wanted to do was isolate himself and drink.”

“Maybe, yeah, because my boys get the same way when we’re apart too long and they’ve been slacking in their obedience,” Petra says. “They’re anxious and destructive when I come back, and they take it out on themselves. I can see that same behaviour in Levi, even after all this time. I mean, you saw his neck, you  _ know _ he did that to himself.”

“Yes. Bonds like that don’t ever break,” Mikasa agrees solemnly. “I hope someone retrieves him soon.”

“Maybe you should take him back to Denver by force, as a favour. You know, get some brownie points and give yourself an excuse to see your boy.”

Mikasa hums a nervous sound. “Actually…”

“Oh, no,” Petra drawls, clearly expecting bad news by her tone. 

“No, not that. Actually, Armin and Eren and I….” Mikasa trails off, and Levi guesses she must imply something good through hand gestures, because Petra gasps and squeals excitedly. 

“No! For real? That’s awesome, Kasa, I’m so happy for you!”

Very humbly, his cousin says, “Thank you. Your advice has been so valuable in the last several weeks.”

“So, this distance, how’s that work...?”

Their conversation fades out from his immediate consciousness as he connects this revelation with that look he saw on Mikasa earlier in the courtyard. The look of happy contentment, the one that tugged on his ribs with its familiarity— it’s infatuation. The new stages of love, a relationship that is filled with giddy perfection and hunger. 

Levi remembers when he had that with Erwin, when he’d been desperate for Erwin back before they had sex for the first time. The transition from the mountain estate and that anxiety-inducing basement, into the Sina headquarters and Erwin’s studio apartment there. As he proved his obedience, he remembers always craving Erwin in whatever form he supplied himself, be it words of affirmation, physical touch, or simply attention. Kisses came and went, depending, and Levi never got enough. Even that night when Erwin bruised his ribs up and then fucked him, noosed Levi with that final thread of claim, Levi found himself immediately parched for another coupling. 

A tendril escapes his brain and traipses through his body, and when he looks around himself, he’s in the Sina apartment again. So it was a nightmare? Levi blinks and stretches, feline graced, before he stands. The weight of his collar is familiar on his neck as he touches it, finding insurmountable relief coursing. He’s safe. He’s owned. It was a nightmare, and nothing more. 

He hears the shower going, and he grins. He’s going to join, and press himself to Erwin and be held for a long moment, just to frighten off the last vestiges of that horrible dream. Levi gets into the bathroom, stripping out of a too-large t-shirt, and Erwin greets him in the shower with a kiss as he takes down Levi’s black hair. 

“Let me wash it for you,” Erwin offers. The released strands fall down around Levi’s elbows, when did it get so long? Unquestioning, Levi turns and lets Erwin clean him, and when he’s done, he sinks down into his knees. Erwin smiles at him as he goes. 

“Will you forgive my debts?” Levi asks and he sinks down. He brings his hair to Erwin’s feet, suddenly so muddy and bloody, even though they’ve been in the shower together for a while. The water should have at least washed away the worst of the caked-on grime... Carefully, Levi uses his hair to wipe away the filth and cleanse his man, and then he kisses the tops of both feet. 

When Levi is upright again, Erwin holds his face tenderly between his palms and says, “You haven’t earned it yet.”

The fear elicited by this simple phrase is so startlingly clear that it knocks Levi out of the dream. He comes careening back into reality, panicking when he realises that he’s in a moving vehicle. He sits up suddenly, vision going black at the edges. 

He can’t breath, he’s dying. He’s dying and he needs Erwin. Where the fuck— he’s dying, why is he dying? Because he’s small and pathetic, because he’s a blip on the ten trillion ton scale of the universe. There were billions before him, there will be a googolplex of humans after him. He is nothing in the scheme of an infinite universe and his life means nothing and he will die because right now he is  _ dying— _

“Stop,” Levi wheezes, choking. He can’t breath. He needs Erwin. Where the fuck is Erwin? He can’t breath and he’s dying, he’s choking. 

“Levi?” Not Erwin’s voice.

He grabs blindly at the car door. “Stop.”

“Hold on, let me pull over—“

He can’t wait. He’s dying  _ right _ now, choking right  _ now _ , can’t pull air into his lungs  _ right fucking now _ and he needs to escape this stranglehold, he can’t see, he can’t think, he needs to get out, he’ll die otherwise because he’s not safe here so Levi pushes open the car door with all his strength, pushing himself out but his feet don’t catch and the pavement rushes to deliver him to oblivion.

  
  
  



	8. To Feast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ended up being shorter than usual, but everything that needed to happen, happened. so here you go!
> 
> warnings: sexual content, some light asphyxiation.

The little slot at the bottom of the door slides open, and Levi startles awake, looking over as a boot kicks a tray of food into his room before shutting the slot and locking it from the outside. It’s a frozen television meal that’s been microwaved a touch too long, the gravy on the potatoes burnt at the edges. It’s dinner time on his second day of quarantine.

He was lucky that he’s so stupid in his panic, because the extra seconds it took for him to open the car door saved his life. At least, for a little bit, with as mad as everyone is. Kenny stormed into the trauma center, his anger considered by the nurses to be a normal next-of-kin emotion when worry is overwhelming, and had looked ready to strangle Levi when he said, “I called Smith to come and get ‘ur ass.”

Someone in traffic filmed Levi jumping from Petra’s car, and it’d been playing on the local news all day before a national syndicate picked it up, too. No ID was released on Levi, and fortunately the news mistook him for a woman, but Petra’s vehicle plates weren’t censored. Kenny put fake ones on as soon as he could, he said, but he’d loaned her another car in the meantime and told her to lay low.

Breakfast comes: a piece of toast, a sliced sausage, and pain medication beside a cup of water. With care, Levi slides himself from his bed and pulls himself across the floor with one good arm. His ankle throbs, but he’s lucky it broke the way it did, because that means he’ll eventually be able to walk again. The fractured left clavicle doesn’t bother him as much, tucked safely in a sling close to his body. There’s nothing to agitate his injuries here. Quarantine cells are pristinely empty. Levi has a toilet and sink in one corner, and his bare bed with just a skimpy comforter in the other. White walls. Above him, in the ceiling, there’s a dim, warm light that never goes out, so he judges the passing of days in the steady meal schedule.

He hadn’t even fought when the trauma center finally released him into Kenny’s care. It was on the ride from the heart of Miami toward the northern outskirts that Kenny had said, “Look. You one’a Smith’s. You ain’t gonna keep coming ‘round here. This is Reiss territory and we may work together with Smith, but ya don’t belong here no more. When that bastard comes and gets ya, stay ‘ur ass in Denver, hear me? ‘Cause I’ll kill ya if ya keep fucking with my business, Levi.”

Lunch is a cheese and bologna sandwich. Levi skips it in preference of the pain pills, and gets back in bed. All there is to do in here is sleep. He doesn’t have any toiletries, doesn’t even have a shower to rinse his body, and disgust is settling in. He smells too human now, mouth feels too grimy, patchy beard itches him. Erwin’s supposed to come and get him, and he wonders how long he’ll be made to wait as a form of punishment. It feels like everyone wants to punish him right now, and he knows he’s earned it, so he resigns.

He’s a fuck up. That’s all he’s done for the last two years is fuck everything up. He couldn’t live independently again after Erwin, and like hell was Kenny about to put him on any kind of leash, not when demanding Levi’s custody was simply a power move meant to disarm Erwin’s growing threat and coerce his cooperation in Miami and Karanes affairs. Levi is weak, and he couldn’t give himself all the things Erwin gave him, steady things like rules and structure and goals to work toward. God, he wants a fucking drink, wants to stop thinking, but the pain meds will have to do. They’re probably opioids, judging by the way his body reacts, and he knows thinking like that could see him leaving this cell with another nasty habit forming, but for fuck’s sake, he can’t do anything right with his choices, so fuck it.

This is why he shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions. He ran from Denver and hadn’t even been in Florida for a day when he fucked up here, too. He’s lucky that he’s only got a broken ankle and clavicle, that he isn’t a body with a bullet between the eyes in a queue to be burned. He needed to stay with Erwin, and by taking matters into his own hands, he’s just… fucked up. How no one has done him in yet is a surprise at this point.

That night, dinner is another burnt microwave meal. Levi picks at it but ends up taking the pills on a mostly empty stomach. It makes him want to retch, but he holds back the feeling until he knows the medication is digested enough to have an effect on him. Still, it’s a fitful sleep filled with images of his mother.

He startles awake, heart pounding, Erwin’s name on his lips in panic. Tugging the blanket back over his head to shut out the light, he cries and rocks himself back to sleep with a well-used memory of Erwin’s embrace. At breakfast, he makes sure to eat a little bit more.

Dinner, lunch, breakfast... and he starts to lose track of how many of each. He sleeps, he dreams, he wakes from nightmares. That becomes routine.

Breakfast doesn’t come, and it sets off Levi’s anticipation, wakes him up from this continuous haze that’s settled over his tired senses. He cleans himself up in the sink as much as possible, but his hair and skin are still greasy in a way that he can’t relieve without soap, yet he knows in some deeper part of himself that he’ll get soap soon because he’s getting out of here. Erwin is here for him, finally, this punishment will be over and he can go home.

The door groans just as Levi’s bending over to adjust the sweatpants around the cast protecting his left ankle. He rushes to watch his man enter this space, break this solitude. It’s a small adjustment to see another person in this space that he’s been isolated in for… weeks? But there stands Erwin, in a t-shirt and jeans, looking disappointed in a dangerous way that raises the fine hairs on the back of Levi’s neck.

“Katze,” Erwin greets, tone flat. He enters the quarantine cell and the air is suddenly electric with his anger, making Levi sit up straight with fear. There’s no kindness anywhere in Erwin’s features, and for a moment, Levi thinks that this is the end for him, that his man is finally done with all of the trouble that comes of owning Levi, that his man will put him down and send him away with coins for the toll. Levi opens his mouth to say something, anything, to spare himself the imagined fate, but Erwin cuts him off. “No, you will be _quiet,_ katze. I’ve tried to be patient with you and allow you some freedom, but all you’ve done is make messes for me to clean up. That is over, boy.”

As he speaks, he closes in on Levi like a predator with snapping jaws full of sharp teeth bared. “I’m going to take you home, and you won’t so much as take a shit without permission, not until you prove yourself. You will be by my side at all times, for all things, and you will follow every order promptly. No more choices, boy. You’ve ruined that for yourself. Am I clear?”

Levi nods, breathing at last and averting his gaze-- he tries to cry out as a hand wraps around his throat, but no sound escapes. He meets blue eyes and finds frightening cruelty there.

“What do you say when I give you an order?” Erwin’s menacing lights the flight instinct in Levi but he can’t run, he _won’t_ run, he’s done running _from_ Erwin.

Levi can’t push the air through, so he mouths, _Yes, sir._ The lack of preamble or pleasant small talk preceding this reclamation seems like a blessing. He won’t need to twiddle his thumbs in uncertainty born of tense silence, wondering what Erwin will say to him about his behaviour, because it’s been the first words out of his mouth. The hand at his throat slides down and splays wide over his chest. Verbal once more, he repeats immediately, weakly, “Yes, sir.”

Erwin doesn’t address Levi again. Instead, the hand on his chest finds Levi’s left hand in the sling and grips it with a suddenly gently squeeze, a clearing storm making room for the calm. There’s a long moment while Erwin strokes a thumb over Levi’s knuckles before saying, as if talking to a dying animal whose life he wants to save, “What scared you, my darling? Why did you do this?”

A fine shudder runs down his spine. “This?”

“Leave me.” Erwin looks into his eyes with something like _vulnerability_ written through his features.

Levi shivers at the possessive undertone in that statement and closes his eyes, looking away. “I don’t… know.”

“You don’t know, or you’re embarrassed to tell me?” Erwin leans in and Levi snaps his eyes open just before their lips meet. The contact is surprising, a little jolting, something completely unexpected and even though Levi knows Erwin’s method of conditioning him, he can’t possibly understand this. He’s done nothing to earn this, just the opposite actually, and to be given even a chaste kiss makes his head spin with confusion.

Guarded, he offers the best he can, “I felt like I was going crazy up there. I didn’t know what to do. So I ran.”

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

He shakes his head weakly. “I… I don’t know, I just made the wrong choice.”

“You do know,” Erwin counters. “It’s okay to tell me, sweet katze boy. You’re not going to be in trouble for telling me.”

Levi chews his bottom lip and turns his face away, giving Erwin a view of his profile and the scar of his missing ear through his stringy, greasy hair. If his man is insistent on learning the whole truth, then Levi will give it to him in the ramble of thoughts where it resides, because to articulate this in an orderly fashion is impossible. Levi doesn’t have one simple reason for running. So, with his eyes on the blank wall beside his bed, Levi does his best. He talks about how much Erwin coming back to his life is fucking up his sense of normalcy. He talks about how much he used to drink, how much he wants something alcoholic right now and in every moment that he faces even a small spike in emotion. He likes to be numb and apathetic now that he’s gotten a taste for it. It reminds him of the talk they had on the curb in front of the corner store that morning in January when Erwin showed up at his apartment unbidden, so he trudges into how he had hoped going to the mountain estate would be like a hard reset on him. Obviously, he was wrong for expecting that. And at the same time that he hoped for it, he hated it. But just being in that cottage had brought something bubbling up out of the depths of his mind, and he can’t describe it in a way that makes sense, all he can do is call it a longing, a desire bone-deep. Giving Erwin control frightened him with how much he loved it and hated it. And so, afraid of himself and of Erwin, he ran.

“I always know what you need.” Erwin frowns but kisses Levi’s crown. “So you will always come to me in the future, for everything and every concern. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’re such a mess,” Erwin says, fingering Levi’s greasy hair and lifting it to his nose to smell it before he presses his lips to it. “I’ll clean you up.”

Levi can feel it in his skin, like nails soothing an itch, this knowledge that Erwin means figuratively and literally. He’s going to set Levi straight, fix him all over again. Levi made of a mess of himself in the last two years, and Erwin’s going to restore him, renew him, cleanse him like a saviour bringing salvation. He’s saving Levi from death and eternal hellfire.

This time, the order is soft and lacking the anger of the first one. “You disappointed me, darling. No more of that from now on, alright? You will obey me. I can promise you that _I_ will decide when you can have choices again, do you understand?”

Levi wants to badly to say, _never let me choose anything else in my life,_ but he doesn’t, instead nodding his acceptance with a meek “yes, sir” and letting that comfort wash over him. Somehow, the kiss that Erwin gives doesn’t feel like a reward but like love, and Levi takes it readily, that chaste press of lips.

“Come on now, sweet katze, let’s get you out of here.”

 

;;;

 

With Babydoll asleep on her climbing tree in Levi’s apartment, he lets Erwin pull him into the hot shower and scrub him down. It’s a cramped fit when being mindful of protecting his ankle cast from the water, so Levi yields, pressing up close to the tiles to give Erwin room to move. He’s soaped up twice to rid all the oil, and then Erwin pulls him close, back to chest, and just holds him until the water temperature begins to wane. He brushes his teeth and shaves his face next, noting how much hair has grown, knowing that he will need to address the passage of time in quarantine but not wanting to do it quite yet. Soon, but not right now, as Erwin is taking a wide-tooth comb to detangle his hair. He’d done his best to keep it braided while he was in the cell, but there’s a bird’s nest on the back of his head. Erwin plants a hand on Levi’s nape while he addresses it.

When they tumble out of the bathroom together, skin soft and dried, hair still damp, they push themselves into the mostly unused bed under the window.

“Erwin?” Levi ventures, bathing in the warm spooning sun of the one who takes care of him.

His man answers by leaning over him, pulling black hair back to expose a scabbed throat. “Yes?”

“What day is it?”

“February first, my darling.”

Levi swallows, his stomach clenching. What day did he jump from the car? How long was he in that white cell, and how much longer does he have in his cast? When--

“Don’t worry about that, my love.”

Levi swallows again and nods, but it begins to nag at him. February already? He’s wasted a whole month dancing around Erwin like this, and for what? What good did it do him? Nothing, it’s done nothing but waste time that he could have spent loving and being loved by Erwin, having someone take care of him in exchange for his submission. Why did he fight it, when he’s ended up here wrapped around Erwin’s fingers regardless? Why’s he so fucking stupid-- this is why he can’t be allowed to make decisions, because he doesn’t have the ability to choose the right things.

Behind him, his man chuckles, “I told you not to worry. That’s okay, I have something to take your mind off that.”

For the moment that Erwin is away from him, Levi sits up, hoping distantly that it’s a drink. If no one’s gonna give him heavy pain medications anymore, then he needs something strong that burns on the way down. But Erwin doesn’t pull a bottle from his bag. What he holds in his hands knocks the air from Levi’s lungs, and the boy rubs at his suprasternal notch with anticipation.

“I had a plan for you,” Erwin explains, kneeling on the floor in front of Levi. He looks up at his boy with one blind eye, the eye whose vision was taken by the collar he holds in his large hands. Levi remembers watching in horror from the car, a gun to his own head in warning, as Kenny had gauged Erwin’s right eye with the pink heart-shaped identification tag. But Erwin kept it. Erwin kept his collar.

Levi sucks in air sharply, not even realising that he’d stopped breathing in his shock. “You… you kept it for me?”

“I was always going to have you with me again,” Erwin tells him, unbuckling the black leather. It’s been cleaned, no traces of its use in violence. “You’ve always been mine, katze. For half of your life, you’ve belonged to me. The rest of it is mine, too.”

“Erwin,” Levi whispers. He can’t speak, he’s overwhelmed. For ten years, Erwin watched over him. For two more, Erwin was waiting for him, and Levi realises that this dedication is something he needs to reciprocate with all his might. He’s not worthy.

His man holds out the collar and Levi leans down so that it can be fastened around his neck. As Erwin’s fingers buckle Levi’s evidence of ownership, he says, “I had this plan, that I’d make you ask for this again, that I’d make you beg sweetly. But now that you no longer have a say in things, I can do it this way instead.” Task complete, he brings his hands to Levi’s shoulders with a grasping squeeze. “I think I like this better than the plan.”

Of course Erwin had a plan, and of course, Levi fucking ruined it. As if he can read that thought, Erwin drops one hand to Levi’s ankle cast and brushes his knuckles down the length of it before raising the sole of that foot to rest against his chest, right over his heart. “Katze, my dearest, my darling, my sweet boy.”

He voice shakes on his murmured, “Yes, Erwin?”

“I want to have you.”

Levi closes his eyes, and he can feel Erwin reaching up to cup his cheek so he lets his head loll into that hold, bringing both of his hands to cradle Erwin’s, uncaring to how desperate it makes him look. It’s not a question or a request, it’s a statement, one that Levi finds he agrees with. He wants to have Erwin, hold Erwin’s body within his own in that primal, holy union. He’s done fighting Erwin’s command over him, he’s ready to surrender to whatever Erwin wants. This man is his beginning and his end, his owner, the giver of his life and death. All he wants to do now is give in.

“Erwin, please,” he breathes, unable to say anything else, unable to think of an eloquent way to apologise for his transgressions and declare his devotion, unable to do anything but take what Erwin will put into him.

“I love the way you beg.” Kissing the cast, Erwin murmurs against it like sharing secrets, “The way you close your eyes, quirk your brows, like it feels so good when you’re doing it. Does it feel good to beg me, katze? Does it pleasure you?”

Levi doesn’t know, but he finds himself nodding regardless, because it feels so fucking good when Erwin talks to him like this. “Yes, Erwin, _please,_ it feels so good.”

“Good boy,” comes the praise and yes, fucking _yes,_ Levi needs this right now.

Back before, Levi was always the one completely naked when they had sex, but this time, they’re skin on skin. On his belly, Levi lets Erwin spread him while he buries his face into sheets with too-loud mewls, releasing those sounds into the air when Erwin grabs his collar and pulls his head back with the demand, “Those sweet sounds are for me and _only_ me. You don’t keep them for yourself. You give them all to me, boy.”

Wheezing, Levi nods against the choke, rewarded with a burst of air when Erwin releases him and he plummets back down into the bed. He pants, open-mouthed, doesn’t give a fuck whether his neighbours hear him getting impaled on three huge fingers, and he obeys because Erwin deserves an obedient boy, an appreciative boy, a boy who knows his place and knows who his master is.

Erwin leans on his elbows, hooking his hands up around Levi’s shoulders, locking them together as he mounts his boy and seats himself fully in achingly slow inches. He plants a kiss on Levi’s nape and Levi feels ready to burst, his heart and body full in ways they haven’t been in two years. Breathlessly, he tosses his head back, and Erwin nudges his chin against a thudding jugular to expose it fully before sinking his teeth in deep enough to bruise.

“Please, please, _please,”_ Levi whispers, letting shivers overtake him. He doesn’t care. Erwin is inside him, that’s all he needs right now.

“I’ve got you, darling,” Erwin answers into purpling skin. “I’ve got you, let go.”

Levi arches his back, pushing Erwin’s cock deeper, and lets out a shuddering moan to accompany his man’s pleased growl. This is something more gentle than Levi was expecting; there’s no urgency and neediness to control them, no roughness in this ladder stitch mending them, pulling Levi back into position in Erwin’s side like a healing rib. Levi can feel his heart opening for Erwin and bringing him in closer with every slow movement of their joined bodies, he can feel it in the way Erwin kisses his collar as he takes him: this is Levi’s true homecoming.

In the morning, Erwin cuts away the fraying edges of Levi’s autonomy and cauterises the threads into a clean, sealed boundary.

Levi hands over his phone, wallet, passport, and keys without argument. Together, they gut Levi’s apartment and pile everything into the bed of his truck and it fits with room to spare. He’s only got the couch, climbing tree, and twin bed here since he took everything else, like the dog cushion and transport chain, to Denver already. They collect Babydoll into her carrier, and by noon, they’re on the interstate leaving Miami behind them for what feels like the final time.


	9. To Cast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for some light sexual content (levi gets blown).

“Are you ready to get up?”

Levi barely gives a glance from the corner of his eye, something just enough to let Erwin know the words were heard, but that Levi chooses not to respond. There are so many rude little gestures like this that Levi has picked up in their two years apart, and Erwin knows he will need to get them out of his prized pet soon. There’s work to be done.

He points an expectant gaze at the shivering heap on the bed. “I asked you a question, katze. You  _ will  _ answer.”

Levi clears his throat, lifting his chin as he does, and croaks out a sorry sounding, “No.”

“‘No’, what, darling?”

At the demand for another answer, Erwin watches the way Levi’s shoulders bunch for a second before relaxing into passive nothingness. “No, I’m not ready to get up.”

Erwin crosses the motel room and sits on the bed beside Levi’s hip. He looks down at his boy, his poor darling boy, weak and cold and needing to be held, and Erwin leans down to press a kiss to a sweaty forehead. The feverishness comes like a tide, ebbing and flowing with the nausea, the skyrocketed anxiety, the aching muscles. Slowly, Erwin lays his body down next to Levi’s and draws the smaller, curled one into his arms. Instincts brought up by the distress, Levi nuzzles his face into Erwin’s neck, all the while whining and whimpering. 

_ “Shh, _ my love,  _ shhh, _ quiet now,” Erwin coos. They can’t afford to sit still for another day, so Levi will have to suffer through this in the truck today. It’s the last leg of the drive to Denver, and it’s almost ten hours from where they’re staying in El Paso, a detour to avoid the early February ice storm that’s wrecking havoc across everything north of the interstate twenty. The emergency change in route is taxing their time constraints, and now with Levi’s withdrawal having sucked away the wiggle room, they  _ must _ get back tonight. 

“Erwin,” Levi breathes. “Can we stay here a little bit longer?”

Erwin pets his boy’s hair. “I’m sorry, katze, you know we can’t.” 

“Please,” his boy whines, and Erwin does not want to be cruel with his words when Levi is already hurting, so he doesn’t snap. He doesn’t explain that they’re in this situation because of Levi’s decisions and Levi’s actions; instead, he coaxes Levi to sit up with him, lets Levi lean heavily into his side for support. The effort leaves his boy short of breath.

“Let’s go home, and then you can stay in bed as much as you need.”

Like an obstinate child, Levi looks away with his unhappiness, and Erwin pulls his focus back by tugging on the identification tag of his collar. “Look at me,” he orders sternly. “We’re getting up now.”

Levi obeys in looking at him, just barely, before Erwin is pulling him to his feet with a hand wrapped around his upper arm, and leading him to the bathroom. They need to go now, they’re only losing time. Babydoll is already in the truck. Erwin sits Levi down on the closed toilet lid and wets a washcloth with cold water, then roughly wipes Levi’s face clean of sleep and vomit residue. Tonight, back in Commerce City, Erwin will bathe his boy slowly and thoroughly in scalding water, but right now, they just need to get a move on. Levi’s hair is still braided from last night’s shower, though a few stringy, sweat-drenched stray hairs now frame his face, plastered to his skin from being wiped down. 

Erwin gets him shaved and gets his teeth brushed, and then tells Levi to wait by the door while he packs up their bag. He can barely stay on his feet even when leaning on the crutch, wrapped up as he is in his jacket, a blanket, and Erwin’s coat on top of it all, and after a few moments, Erwin has to coax him to his feet again from the puddle he forms on the floor. When they’re ready to go, Erwin tucks Levi into his side. It’s the kind of motel where the doors to the rooms face the outside, so it’s only a few steps into the truck, otherwise Erwin would have carried Levi.

Breakfast comes from a drive-through. Levi’s curled up into his separate corner, right against the passenger door, while they get through the queue and then venture over to the interstate highway again. Out on the open roads, Erwin keeps his boy’s head in his lap, his body curled tight and covered with the heavy blanket so that he can sleep in peace while Erwin gets them home. Babydoll sunbathes on the dashboard.

They’ve been on the road for three straight days, today marking the fourth. Even Erwin is tired of this now, but this is how they are getting home, and besides, maybe several days of suffering will dissuade his disobedient boy from running off again. Not that Erwin will give him even an opportunity for that. From now on, Levi will share almost every moment with Erwin, so much like before. He needs to mend this broken boy and make him whole again, and only then will he be able to allow Levi some small freedoms. Once the trust forms, mutual and strong in it’s weave between them, Erwin will sharpen his blade again, will drown the black cat at midnight to boil the bones until one floats up to him. 

Erwin is thankful for the quarantine for this reason. Levi will come back to his right mind in Denver, and Erwin can start fresh without needing to lock him in this basement this time. He will be able to shape his boy all over again because right now, Levi depends fully on him. If it weren’t for Erwin taking care of him, he would be in even worse shape.

Letting one hand fall from the steering wheel, Erwin strokes the long braid that has escaped the safety of the blanket. He circles his fingers around it and runs them down the length, then brings the tied ends to his lips to kiss. His boy is ill but once the aura of sickness wears off and he gains back some weight in both fat and muscle, then he will be beautiful again. Erwin gets to watch this transformation, he gets to orchestrate it. Levi will be shaped by his hand, and the brain is a fickle thing-- Erwin knows this will be the last time that Levi can be shaped. Should his boy tear out from under his control again, or should they become separated for years, then Levi will not survive. He just hopes that if it were to ever happen, that he can put his pet down beforehand and save him any more suffering.

Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Erwin kisses the ends of Levi’s hair once more. His beautiful boy claims to have hated him for two years, claims to have planned on killing Erwin for about as long, and yet, he grew out all this hair just because he  _ thought _ Erwin would have done the same thing. And, well, Levi isn’t really wrong. Erwin remembers receiving update photos from his captain, Petra, and repeatedly being pleasantly surprised that Levi had not cut off his black locks yet, something that had taken six months for him to stop anticipating. Even so far away from one another and without any contact, there had been times that Erwin felt so in sync with his boy. He truly did a good job breaking and building him. This time, he will do it the very best way possible. He will make sure that Levi cannot survive without him.

;

It’s dinnertime when Erwin is pulling Levi’s bundled form out of the truck and taking him inside the house. 

Nanaba has already come through and prepared the home for their arrival. A few lights are on, and as Erwin heads toward the staircase with the bundled boy in his arms, he passes the kitchen doorway and sees dinner in tupperware waiting on the island for them.

“Erwin,” the boy in his arms whines, “I’m gonna be sick.”

“Just a moment, my love,” Erwin tells him, continuing in his trek through the house, taking them up the stairs on quick but steady feet so as not to jostle Levi any more than necessary. In the end, they don’t make it to the toilet on time. As soon as Levi’s feet touch the bathroom floor, he bends over and loses the few contents of his empty stomach on the tiles. Levi drops to his knees, barely missing the mess, and Erwin kneels next to him.

“Easy.” Erwin brings one hand to the back of Levi’s neck, the other planted firmly on his chest to keep him from spilling over into his own sick. “Get it all up, katze.”

Levi shakes his head and whines, but his body is obedient. As he retches after throwing up stomach acids, Erwin rubs small circles along his spine, and when it’s over, he wipes Levi’s mouth and nose with a washcloth wetted by warm water from the sink. When his sheets are in no danger of the same fate as the bathroom floor, Erwin carries Levi to his bed and tucks him in, then returns to clean up.

Of course Kenny’s quarantine would require heavy medications to push unwilling prisoners into false docility. Erwin left Levi in there a little long, and so the opioid withdrawal is making him sick like this, causing his body such distress. Having the long road trip is not helping. They haven’t been resting much or eating properly, on a time crunch to get back to Denver. Now that they’re here, they can recuperate for a night, but Erwin has to go to work in the morning and Levi will have to take care of himself.

Besides, all of this could have been avoided if Levi had just been a good boy.  _ This _ is why Erwin is taking full control now and denying Levi any choice in his own life from now on. Levi lacks the ability to make clear and wise decisions, so Erwin must make those decisions for him to ensure his well being in the future. Anxieties get the best of his boy too often. That is something Erwin does not struggle with, so he has the level head necessary for bearing the weight of the responsibility for not only himself, but for his boy’s life and for the prosperity of the Organisation.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Erwin inspects the dinner Nanaba left for them, finding a container of steamed white rice sitting among the other foods, all meats and vegetables which will not sit kindly. This rice will be easy on a sick stomach, and hopefully more difficult to expel. Grabbing a spoon from the drawer, Erwin takes the rice upstairs and sits on the bed at Levi’s side. The sweating boy eyes him.

“Katze, darling, sit up,” he murmurs, plunging the spoon into the rice to stir it. A groan greets him but Levi rises on shaky limbs, eventually coming to rest his head on Erwin’s shoulder, his weight pressing hot against Erwin’s side. “Good boy. Open your mouth.”

Lazily, Erwin feeds him. Against his arm, he can feel the rhythmic movements of Levi chewing, a metronome to the offerings of rice that Erwin spoons into his mouth like clockwork. Halfway through the small serving, Levi ducks his head down to press his face to Erwin’s lap, trying to convey that he’s finished.

“One more, darling,” Erwin coaxes. “Listen to me, my love. I know best.”

Levi tenses for a moment and then lifts his head, mouth hanging slightly open. The spoon clinks lightly against his bottom teeth, and then he’s wrapping his lips around it one last time. Satisfied, Erwin puts the food on the bedside table to take downstairs later, because right now, he needs to settle his boy down into sleep.

“Is it sitting in your stomach all right?” Erwin takes hold of Levi’s chin to get him to focus. 

A shiver wracks through the boy then, a nearly imperceptible nod follows. 

“You’re welcome,” Erwin murmurs, and Levi’s belated thanks chases. Still, the withdrawal is draining the boy, making him pliant and needy, and while it is Levi’s own fault that they’re in this situation, Erwin does not want to prolong his suffering. “Let me lay you down now.”

“Give me a second,” Levi breathes out, dry swallowing. Something unpleasant races over his face and then he swallows once more and nods. With a hand against his chest and the other cradling a sweaty nape, the major general lifts his pet into a sitting position before rearranging him to lay on his back, the bed pillows keeping his upper body elevated at an angle. Instead of tucking the covers around him, Erwin moves them to the side and lays a strong hand on Levi’s pointy hip bone. 

“Don’t leave me again, my love,” Erwin coos. “I don’t want to see you suffer withdrawal every time you feel panic. Can you promise me, darling?”

Levi blinks at Erwin as he surrenders to a full body shiver, and then he’s nodding in quick, jerky movements. Through a clenched jaw, he promises, “I won’t leave.”

“Good, that’s good.” Keeping the gentle tone, Erwin scoots up onto the bed fully so that he can kiss his boy’s forehead, whispering against it, “You’ll learn from your mistake, won’t you, katze?” To drive his point home, Erwin slides up the hand that rested on Levi’s hip to the broken collarbone, and he presses down with the flat of his palm until he earns a weak, strangled whimper.

“I’ll learn,” Levi whines then gasps when the pressure disappears.

“Two broken bones will be troublesome, but you were always a bit troublesome regardless,” Erwin teases. If Levi remembers this conversation in the morning, it won’t seem much like Erwin was speaking in jest. “What am I ever going to do with you?”

Levi shakes his head and moves to curl into himself, but Erwin stops him with that same hand now on his throat, on the black leather of the collar. Trapped, the boy only whines again.

“I know,” Erwin coos. “I know it hurts, darling. This is why you must trust me and obey me. I know what’s best for you.”

Absentmindedly, Levi nods as his face pulls into a tight grimace. “I do,” barely escapes his mouth coherently.

“Do you?” Erwin challenges. “Do you, katze? Your suffering is born of your lack of trust.”

“I won’t do it again,” Levi bites out, erupting in more shivers. 

Erwin leans in and kisses his forehead once more, finding delight in the way Levi pushes up into the affection and lets out a moan. Instead of raising up immediately, Erwin brings their foreheads together, the tips of their noses brushing as they breathe. He does not want to ease this too early, but he also does not want it to last too long. Or, perhaps, he needs to give Levi some reassurance that he’s wanted.

When he speaks again, he leans his lips down so that they speak directly into Levi’s open, panting mouth. “I know you won’t, my love.”

The way Levi nods his agreement speaks of fever haze, and Erwin suddenly wants to burn this boy alive. With new eyes, he sits up and takes in the vision of his boy, writhing with pain in soft sheets, his hair escaping the old braid that’s draped over the pillows. The lamplight gives a golden glow to the pallor, making the sweat glisten in an alluring way. If Erwin didn’t know that Levi were in the throes of withdrawal, he would be able to convince himself that Levi were feeling intense pleasure.  

Erwin’s fingertips toy with the band of Levi’s sweatpants and he soothes the way Levi jerks from the touch with steady shushing. Like a good boy, Levi tries to settle down, so Erwin gives him a sparse praise as he slips thick cotton down bony hips.

Levi’s pubic hair has always been a thicket of black, and sitting in the nest of it, his small cock waits. Running one finger down the length like a ghost’s greeting, Erwin says, “I’m going to make you feel good.”

If Levi shakes his head, Erwin isn’t watching. Instead, he gets right to it, bending down to kiss the glans before using his tongue to scoop it up into his mouth. Above him, his boy lets out a startled gasp that sinks down into a groan. This could be manipulation, Erwin knows. He’s just given his boy a bit of a stern talking to, and now he’s going to suck him off, but the truth is that Erwin’s doing this out of his own selfish desire. One glance of Levi in this light, and he wants him. With Levi sharing his bedroom from now on, how is he going to keep from wanting to fuck the sweet sounds and mewls out of his boy-- and should he even try to stop himself? Erwin has already decided that his sexual relationship with Levi will be skew from the other complicated facets of their twisted coexistence, but can it truly remain separate? 

Licking up the underside of the shaft, Erwin moans, knowing how good the vibration of it must feel to the aching katze. Indeed, Levi brings his good hand to Erwin’s hair unbidden, about to grasp at the hairs before he remembers himself and settles a fist in the sheets instead. That won’t do, not tonight. 

“Grab my hair, darling.” Erwin encourages him around the whole uncut cock into his mouth, hoping to coax Levi’s obedience and succeeding. The noirette beneath him twists his shaking fingers into the blonde crown.  _ Good boy, _ Erwin thinks, and makes a cooing sound around his full mouth, enough praise associated with that sound tonight for Levi to know Erwin’s thoughts.

Levi is all soft, broken sounds and sighs as his fingers squeeze in pulsing motions that match Erwin’s mouth. This is something he hasn’t done in so long and he wants to savour this act, these few minutes of having his boy completely at the mercy of being made to feel so, so good. The first time Erwin fucked him, he had sucked his cock. Something usually seen as a submissive act doesn’t bother Erwin, because he knows it brings Levi deeper into his control and cements his willingness to serve. His katze is an easy creature. The maintenance of a set schedule and met needs earns his boy’s obedience. Once he moves Levi past this anger and resentment from the two years they spent apart, once he gets his brain free of its chemical dependencies, then it will be so easy to get them where they used to be with Levi fully dependent on his handler instead.

It’s a struggle to bring Levi to the brink, but Erwin eventually guides him there and throws him down into the depths that await. Levi’s barely finished spurting his bitter cum onto Erwin’s tongue when he slumps down into the pillows and sudden unconsciousness. After that, Erwin gets his cock licked clean, put away, and tucked in properly, and then Erwin ventures back downstairs to eat his dinner in peace.

But there is no rest for the righteous. He has brewed his tea and rinsed the aftertaste of cum from his mouth when Nanaba’s knock rings out from the backdoor, so Erwin goes to let her in, finding her bringing a few more filled tupperware bins and an opened paper bag.

“Welcome back,” she says. She holds the cargo in one arm and pressed against her chest securely so that she can walk with her cane instead of the artificial limb. Erwin used to try and alleviate her of workloads, but a few snappy words had convinced him that she wants to keep hold of some self-sufficiency. Her refusal to be retired and forgotten about was the defining factor for her change over from pet to officer. When she gets to the kitchen counter, she puts down the tupperware and then pulls out the items from the paper bag, telling Erwin what each small box is as she sets them down. “I brought some tea for your boy, some vitamins, supplements, um, underwear, leggings, oh and some scrunchies, too.”

“Thank you,” Erwin comes to stand beside her, gripping her left shoulder in one hand and squeezing. “You’re taking good care of us.”

“Only for now, so you can focus on him,” she looks up at Erwin. He already knows how much she wants Levi to be better, and he’s grateful that she is hanging back for now and letting Erwin do what he needs to do for his boy. As much as she cherishes her friendship with Levi and wants to rekindle that bond, she’s holding herself back until Levi is ready for another relationship besides the one with Erwin. It will be beneficial, too, because when Levi finds out about Petra, he will need an old, steady friend like Nanaba, an old friend that never kept any secrets.

Nana sits across the table from Erwin and updates him while he eats. She starts off by letting him know how the books are looking, and then goes into detail about the barracks and their operatives across the city. This was a good week for him to be gone, because not much has happened. She is not his to manipulate, but after she’s done speaking, Erwin promises, “Levi will be ready to join you at the bakery soon.”

Something hopeful flickers over her expression and she hides it by nodding her head. “Alright. I’ll find something for him to do until he’s out of his cast.”

Nanaba goes over several more details, this time about the goings-on in Sina, and when Erwin clears his throat, she falls quiet.

“I am thinking about stationing Mikasa in Sina.”

Nana quirks a brow. “I thought Kenny wanted her in Miami.”

“Most likely. However, he has something planned, it’s clear in his willingness to surrender custody of Levi.” 

“I figured he was tired of dealing with Levi messing with his business.”

Erwin takes a sip from his cool tea and shakes his head. Nana waits for him to say, “Levi did have a habit of getting in the way, but not as much as Kenny talked about. He wasn’t quite so troublesome, he was simply difficult to control because Kenny did not know how he functions. And then there’s the issue of his alcoholism.”

The word makes Nana flinch in a very personal way, but she doesn’t comment. Erwin continues, “Whatever Kenny wants to do, he will do. I need to have my best sniper back.”

“But we can’t break the contract with Miami and Karanes. It’s too valuable now.”

“I know. I doubt the stationing of one little sniper will break an entire contract, when I have replacement officers willing to spend a term or two in Miami.” Erwin raises his mug to take another drink, and he watches the way Nanaba begins to understand the implications. He can see the moment that she accepts his half-guarded secrecy, the forming plan he holds close to his chest.

“Alright,” she drawls at last. 

“Thank you for your continued trust.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Erwin.” Nana says, looking away. Erwin knows it means that she doesn’t want any more of his small manipulations tonight. 

Only considering his words for a moment, Erwin offers, “You can go see him.”

“He’s in your room?” Nana stands without hesitation, her cane clicking against his flooring. 

Erwin nods. Done with his meal, he rises to take his dishes to the sink but does not follow Nana as she disappears deeper into his home. He will allow her these few moments of privacy, because there’s nothing that she would do to interfere with his boy. She cares for Levi and she believes that the best place for him is curled up in Erwin’s palm, so if anything, she will encourage Levi in coming back under total control. Not everything is about ownership, though. Erwin knows that her connective thread to Levi is like frayed cotton where it still links them together, and Judah is a nylon cord between them, taking the weight off. Beyond all of those factors, there is a genuinity born between them. Erwin will not harm that bond any longer. It is necessary to Levi’s mental health to have a friend as close as Nana. 

Several minutes later, he hears Nana coming down the stairs just as he is putting the last dish in the rack to dry. She leans heavily on her cane by the backdoor, visibly contemplating her words. 

“You know,” she starts, then stops, then walks over to join Erwin at the sink. He gives her his full attention when she is within arms length. “You know,” she starts again, “that Mikasa is dating Armin and Eren? Is that one of the reasons you want to station her in Sina, to make her happy?”

“What’s wrong with making my prized sniper happy?” Erwin doesn’t look away from Nana when her eyebrows raise. She can read something in his confidence, she can tell that he has something planned, some manipulation under construction, even if she doesn’t know what.

“Let me know if I need to place any special orders for Mike to pick up,” she yields, ducking out of the conversation and letting Erwin have his secrets. 

He’s grateful that they have known one another for this long, that they work well without even needing to try. “Of course. Goodnight. Kiss Judah for me.”

“Will do. Goodnight.” And with that, she leaves through the backdoor, shutting it quietly behind herself. 

Erwin wipes down the countertops and puts away the tupperware, then checks the hour on the clock on the microwave. There’s enough time left tonight for him to run a hot, hot bath and sink into it with his boy held to his chest, so that’s what he’s going to do. A little skin to skin oxytocin is what his katze needs, and quite frankly, Erwin wants it, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me get an update schedule going so that i'm held accountable. i'm sorry for all these months-long breaks :(

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://minxiebutt.tumblr.com) and [series tag](http://minxiebutt.tumblr.com/tagged/fic%3A-rda)


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